Losing Mom

I graduated from Augustana College at Thanksgiving of 2003 and moved home to attend graduate school at DePaul University to obtain my MEd and secondary teaching certificate.  All seemed to be generally moving along smoothly.  Jon had proposed Oct 17, 2013 and I was spending time saving money by working as a substitute teacher.  I had the opportunity to coach soccer in the spring of 2005 at Loyola Academy and landed my first job for the following fall at Warren in Gurnee.  I was grateful to be asked to be part of a program partnering with IMSA and began work a week early to participate in some workshops.  Because of this, I missed the yearly family vacation to Maui.  As it turned out, that vacation was a major turning point for everyone in our family.

While on that vacation, my father informed my mother that he no longer wanted to be married.  They had struggled previously, but had made things work when we was diagnosed with breast cancer.  This time, the timing couldn't have been worse.  When they came home, my dad moved out somewhat quickly.  I found myself torn between my parents, not wanting to choose sides or make either one upset.  I lived with my mom and found time to spend with my dad away from the house.

The worst news was yet to come, as my mom spiraled into depression.  She began to have a lot of physical pain, but none of use imagined the true extent of why.  After she continued to push her doctor to determine the source of the pain, some sort of scan was completed.  I don't remember what it was at this time.  But the scan revealed cancer.  And as more tests were completed, we were all informed that the cancer was everywhere - lungs, bones, and brain.  She tried some radiation, but with the extent of the cancer, nothing could be done.  I will forever remember sitting by her bedside at the hospital working on my grading and lesson planning as a first year teacher.  Eventually, she was moved to hospice care at home.  They wouldn't give her an IV morphine drip at home, so we attempted to give her morphine orally.  I am haunted to this day by her screaming when we tried to give it to her.  I was still living in the house with her, so I traded caring for my mom with my siblings that came and went as their obligations to jobs and family allowed.  

The end came pretty quickly.    We had been trying to convince her to let us move her to inpatient hospice because they could keep her more comfortable and properly care for her.  But she kept insisting she would be getting up shortly and returning to normal life.  Ruth Johnson came over on a Sunday afternoon to speak with my mom.  She is a nurse and something that has a deep faith.  I'll never know what Ruth said to my mom, but afterwards she had found a new peace and agreed to move to inpatient.  A hospital came and transported here there.  We began to call everyone home because they let us know that my mom likely had less than 48 hours remaining.  I called into work and let them know I would be taking Monday off.

Monday was a very long day, but all of my siblings were able to make it in and we all gathered by her bedside.  My grandfather did not come in, he couldn't bare the idea of burying his only daughter.  My mom seemingly waited to take her last breath until Jon had returned to be with me.  I thought I understood why, but at this point in life I don't totally understand.  I lost my mom at 10pm on October 17, 2005.  She has missed so much of my life, and I wish often that I could sit and talk with her or get a hug from her.  I know she would be so proud of all 13 (soon to be 14) grandchildren.  

Missed red flags

 The summer after my sophomore year in college, I worked for the local park district.  The first day on the job, we had training at a chapel that the park district owned.  I knew pretty much no one, but would be working for athletic camp.  The employee that had hired me introduced me to the other counselors that I would be working with.  One of those employees was Jon.  At this point, I was still extremely broken.  I had dated some my sophomore year, but had broken up with a boy towards the end of the school year because it just wasn't working.  I had never sought the counseling needed to repair my trauma, but at 19 I didn't recognize it.

After talking for a few days during training and in the parking lot after training, Jon tried to give me his number.  This was the first missed red flag.  He was so insecure that he didn't want the responsibility of making the first phone call, even though we had been talking for days!  I gave him mine, and told him to give me a call.  At some point he called and we set up a first actual date.  We went out to dinner, each paying for our own meal.  Second missed red flag, but since I was mostly figuring it was a casual date, I didn't think much of it.  That first date lasted 6 hours, playing pool afterwards followed by a movie at my house.  Things ramped up the rest of that summer, spending tons of time together and on the phone.  As with most of my relationships, I fell fast and hard.  

I was still in my mindset of "why wait till marriage, I'm already not a virgin."  So we had sex early, less than a month after meeting.  I actually had a few days where I thought I might be pregnant, but luckily I wasn't.  I certainly would not have been ready for that.  We finished the summer together and prepared to go back to our respective colleges.  Jon came with me for part of soccer preseason, since he didn't have anything else going on.  He lied to his parents and told them he was sleeping at a friend's who was there for football.  We were really still kids.  And I had no idea of the issues he was harboring inside of himself.

The biggest red flag of all that I missed that first year was Jon's depression.  About halfway through the year, he started seeing a counselor.  But there was never any actual, specific triggering event.  He simply couldn't manage every day life as a college student.  He declined medication and went through counseling for several months.  I'm not sure if he ever truly got through whatever he deemed the underlying problems causing his depression.  Looking back, I'm nearly positive it was a chemical imbalance that he never dealt with.  This was a major red flag that I completely missed at that time and led to heartache for multiple people years down the road.  It's important to be able to work through your problems by speaking to those around you, and despite a background in social work, it is clear that Jon never learned this skill.

High School Pressure

 We all face various types of pressure in high school.  Usually it centers around smoking, drinking, and sex.  Friends may try to convince that you should give something a try.  But if you consistently say no, they typically relent and life goes on.  That's if they are truly your friends.

As a 13 year old freshman, I was not completely ready for some of the pressures I would face.  Getting involved with others that were juniors and seniors was not the best group.  But somehow, I was drawn to the older crowd within band when I started band camp.  I ended up dating some juniors and seniors.

The first guy I dated was a junior, but had been held back so was 17.  A 4 year difference in high school is huge.  He had way more experience with everything.  And being a somewhat small girl, he definitely had a significant amount of strength on me.  It started with coercing me into sexual activity.  Never quite pushed to the point of sex.  But there was physical force.  I didn't realize how terrible it was at the time.  You know, a 13yo girl excited to be dating a 17yo boy.  I was wanted by him.  But it left so many scars on my heart that took so long to heal.  I still have issues with some aspects of intimacy because it triggers something within me.  Some day I might find someone that accepts this part of me.

I'm now the mother of a 12yo girl.  And I strive to protect both her innocence and her heart.  I know that before she enters high school, I will have to have a heart to heart conversation so she understands the dangers of being alone with boys.  No one ever thinks it will happen to them.  It wasn't a stranger, it was someone I saw every day at school.  It started innocently and turned evil very quickly.  I still don't understand the purpose of this experience from God's perspective.  I'm not sure that I ever will, except that maybe going through this pain will save my daughter from a similar experience.