Just Struggling

I don't know what's going on lately. I suspect the lack of exercise and outdoor time is messing with my brain and body. It seems this time of year is always tough for me. I just feel very stuck. I don't like living here but I can't go anywhere until my middle child is 18. Then I hope to take my youngest on some adventures. But that's 5.5 years away. 

So how do I become content with where I'm at now? I am just struggling. How do I form connection while working 3 jobs and raising 3 kids? Whenever I think about letting tutoring fade out, another person seems to contact me and I have trouble saying no to a student that is struggling. I feel like I am not giving Lilli enough attention. But I don't know how to fun a balance. I feel torn about so much.

I want to start working out again because I don't like my body, but I'm not sure how/when to do it. I feel like I'm constantly working, being with my kids, or cleaning. Am I just making excuses, or am I really that busy? I don't even know anymore. I do know that something needs to change before I burn out. 

God, please help. Show me the way forward from here,  because I'm really struggling. 

Tuesday

Dear God, 

I don't understand my life. I have so many desires unfulfilled and I don't know which are from You. Help me to know what direction to go. 

I have wanted a large family forever. Clearly that is not to be the case unless through adoption. And I don't have space in the house nor capacity for more kids at this point. But why is it still in my heart?

I seem to be constantly worried about finances. Will I make enough to do what we want? You have shown me time and again that You will provide, and provide abundantly. I waiver now with how much I should be working. It seems tutoring clients abound. But I don't want my kids to feel abandoned. Help me to know when to stop, when to say no. I know that you have given me a great talent for teaching math and physics and I feel bad telling kids no. Show me how to find balance. 

I long for more connections. I don't know how to make them. I've tried since moving, but am always the one sending invites. What do I need to do to find reciprocal friendship? Is there something I am doing wrong? Show me how to fid authentic community at this stage of my life. I would love to find a new partner, but at this point I just want people to see on a regular basis. I don't know how to find that. We've lived here over 6 months and basically made 0 progress. 

I know You have a plan for my older kids. But as we approach 3yrs after the divorce, things are just hard. It's not the money, it's the verbal abuse via email and refusal to respect any boundaries. Court seems useless, so what do I do? Show me the way so we can have freedom. I don't see the way forward that is best for the kids. Show me.

I'm tired, so very tired. I ask that you give me the energy I need to fulfill the purpose You have set forth. I need clear vision to know the next steps. Right now I just feel exhausted and like I'm stumbling through the dark. Hold me and guide me forward, Lord.

Check on the Strong Ones

This is 40

This is hard

The post divorce abuse is real

I haven't written about the abuse my kids and I have experienced at the hands of their father. It's generally not physical, but it's very real. He seems to have given up trying to physically control our son. Once a kid knows how to disarm any size person, he becomes difficult to control. The self defense classes he took to feel more confident against school bullies comes in handy even outside of school. 

The abuse is verbal, emotional, and financial. Apparently asking a parent to contribute to car insurance is entitlement. There was no discussion about splitting the cost, just a flat out refusal to help at all. We should just ignore that before he had an affair with a coworker and left, the plan was for a car at 16. I'm hopeful that babysitting will help her pay for part of the insurance. I'm apparently a horrible person for asking for a consistent, predictable schedule that is agreed upon. The agreed upon plan written nearly 3 years ago was exactly that, and I am supposedly selfish for asking that it be followed. 

I don't have the money to go back to court and fight when nobody in the court system cares about the kids. He can lie and say what everyone wants to hear, actions are apparently meaningless. So why spend thousands more to end up with nothing? The family court system is corrupt and appears blind to any abuse that stops short of physical. 

I work 3 jobs. I do 99% of the parenting for a 12 and 14yo and 100% for my nearly 2yo. I don't have a personal life really. When would I have time for that? But boy am I tired. Not just physically, although I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I am emotionally tired of supporting 2 kids whose father seeks to tear them apart any chance he gets. Who doesn't see that by constantly choosing himself, he is hurting them. Or maybe he does see it and just doesn't care. I'm not sure which is worse. I have always thought that the goal of a parent is to provide their children with equal or more opportunity than he had as a child. In this case, I guess the goal is to not do anything more than the court mandates. Certainly wouldn't want to take less than 5 trips without your children while forfeiting parenting time in 1 year. 

Yes, I am becoming a bit bitter because I am so tired. And because I don't know what to do to help my kids. I chose the wrong person to have kids with. I was in a bad place when I was 19 and again at 37. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything. But my heart breaks for them. The youngest at least won't have to suffer the back and forth. And I can tell her the abandonment had nothing to do with her because her father never even met her. And I pray often that God will seal up any hurt that is inevitable when she's old enough to see she has no father. But for the other two, I don't know how to help them navigate seeing a father that has a chosen a life away from them, while still trying to retain as much control of their lives as possible. 5.5 more years until we are all free from him. Maybe one day there can be reform in the court system where actions speak louder than words. I hope I live to see that, because the abuse started small 5yrs before the divorce began. But now the abuse is clear and abundant. Putting a name to it makes it a smidgen easier, but living with abuse for 8yrs really starts to take its toll.