Tuesday

Dear God, 

I don't understand my life. I have so many desires unfulfilled and I don't know which are from You. Help me to know what direction to go. 

I have wanted a large family forever. Clearly that is not to be the case unless through adoption. And I don't have space in the house nor capacity for more kids at this point. But why is it still in my heart?

I seem to be constantly worried about finances. Will I make enough to do what we want? You have shown me time and again that You will provide, and provide abundantly. I waiver now with how much I should be working. It seems tutoring clients abound. But I don't want my kids to feel abandoned. Help me to know when to stop, when to say no. I know that you have given me a great talent for teaching math and physics and I feel bad telling kids no. Show me how to find balance. 

I long for more connections. I don't know how to make them. I've tried since moving, but am always the one sending invites. What do I need to do to find reciprocal friendship? Is there something I am doing wrong? Show me how to fid authentic community at this stage of my life. I would love to find a new partner, but at this point I just want people to see on a regular basis. I don't know how to find that. We've lived here over 6 months and basically made 0 progress. 

I know You have a plan for my older kids. But as we approach 3yrs after the divorce, things are just hard. It's not the money, it's the verbal abuse via email and refusal to respect any boundaries. Court seems useless, so what do I do? Show me the way so we can have freedom. I don't see the way forward that is best for the kids. Show me.

I'm tired, so very tired. I ask that you give me the energy I need to fulfill the purpose You have set forth. I need clear vision to know the next steps. Right now I just feel exhausted and like I'm stumbling through the dark. Hold me and guide me forward, Lord.