Day 16

Dear Daughter, 

It's been 16 days since I've been able to give you a hug. I was able to see and talk to you in video 4 days ago. You seem to still be struggling with all the same things. The facility reports that you broke a peanut butter jar apart to scratch into your arm. Why don't you stop? Take control over your own body and stop hurting yourself. I really don't understand. 

I spent another hour cleaning your room today, focusing on your closet. You had garbage in there, more food wrappers. Also just a lot of things you don't use. It's manageable now. I hope to finish your room in the next 2 weeks so you can come home to a more organized bedroom that will also give you fewer places to hide stuff. 

I still don't understand how we got here. And I don't understand how you are still so trapped in negative attention seeking. I noticed an email come through on your phone today that suggests you have once again started another online blog to try to gain attention. I wish you would stop looking for attention from other people to fill your God sized hole. Only He can ultimately provide what you are looking for. Trust me, I tried so many other things. But He has brought me through so much and will guide you if you will follow Him. This is my prayer, that you will truly open your heart to God and let Him heal you. Begin to recognize the amazing talents that God has given you, and pour your energy into using your gifts as He intended. 

I love you and my heart breaks to see you so lost and broken. I pray you begin to put in the work so you can come home and begin to make steps on a new life path. Your dreams are before you. 

Love always, 

Mom

Day 9

Dear Daughter, 

Today I started the process of cleaning your room. I say started because it took me an hour to clean up your floor. What I found under your bed was startling and sad, especially since I asked you repeatedly to clean your room before you left and you promised you had. Yet I filled an entire garbage bag with bloody tissues and food wrappers. From a jar of peanut butter, to Nutella, Graham crackers boxes, nuts, candy wrappers, applesauce cups, chip bags, and more. What is happening in your head and body? 

I also found a razor blades on the floor and another hidden in your old phone case. Is that where you've been hiding them all along? I guess you can't have a phone when you return home. Not sure if I just let the coverage lapse or what. I didn't imagine being put in this position. 

I did some remembering today. Because that garbage reminded me of when you turned 10 and we went to paint your room. We found tons of candy wrappers. But we didn't think much of it back then. Is that when all this started? Why? I honestly don't understand. 

I have always made a conscious effort of only talking about nutrition in a "fuel your body" or "different nutrients do different things for you" way. We talked about the need to eat so your body will do what you want it to. Maybe there is truly a nutrition deficiency here if you have been eating like this for years. But I still ask, why did this happen?

I'm not sure I will ever get an answer. So the next question that we must answer, is, where do we go from here? How do you live in a house where there will be some occasional foods without gorging on them? How do you get back to eating to fuel your body instead of in a panic because your attempts to restrict fail? I hope that this facility can help you with this, because I have no idea.

On Monday I get to talk to you. By then it will be 10 days since I've spoken to you, the longest we've ever gone. It still hurts that you are calling other people. Your sister is asking about you and I don't have anything to tell her. She actually said "I miss sis" yesterday. I'm not sure what she's thinking. 

I'll try to keep processing all of these emotions. I hope and pray that you are actively engaging in everything offered to you. I pray that you will soon take responsibility for the choices you are making each day. Because until you do that, you will be held captive by the demons of blaming others and self doubt. I'll keep praying for you multiple times a day. Because with God, we can overcome anything if we just have faith the size of a mustard seed. I love you  and I look forward to what God has for you on the other of this very low valley. I hope to see start climbing to the mountain top soon.

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter, 

Two days ago was the most difficult day of your life for me this far. I worried about you as an infant. I fought for you as an elementary and middle schooler. But on Friday I admitted you to Timberline Knolls. Because for 3 years you have done everything to cry out for attention and refused to use any of the coping mechanisms offered to you by family, friends, and professionals. Upon admission you handed razor blades to the staff. That meant I didn't get to hug you goodbye and tell you that I love you. Then Saturday they called to ask more questions, because the 3hr intake wasn't enough. And they called back to say you were continuing to self harm, by picking at scabs. They needed to tell me, but they also wanted to verify your adhesive allergy.

Here's what you need to realize. When you lie about things that people can confirm, it makes them question what they can't confirm or deny. And that's where we sit today. I never know if anything you are sharing is real.

I sit and wonder where I went wrong. What could I have done differently? There are so many things that have happened in the last 4 years that have brought us here. And as a mom does, I am looking over them all for what I could have done better. Forced hugs on you rather than respecting your clearly stated aversion to physical contact? Did I miss that your aversion didn't extend to me? It's clear you love hugs from your little sister. Could I have handled the divorce in a different way? I tried my best to survive a difficult situation. But clearly you needed something different to have happened. I wish I knew what it was.

I need you to know, though, simply that I love you. It seems that I haven't done the right things to show you that. When I ask what you need, you say you don't know. So I show love as I know how. I do your laundry, I drive you places, I make your favorite meals, I get you special food at the store, I ask you to join me on walks, I try to include you in anything that I'm doing so we can spend time together, I tell you that I love you. But I seemed to have missed the mark with all of these. So I honestly don't know what to do. And so my last act of showing you love is to send you to a place as my heart breaks apart and pray they can help you figure out what you need.

This place scares me from the outside. You lose most of your standard rights. You won't get to be alone unless you are asleep and I don't even know if that is the case. You probably get to be in a shower stall alone I suppose. I wasn't sure you needed to be there. But then I went to wash your sheets. And I saw the pile of bloody kleenex and your blood on the wall. What is going on in your brain? What have you been hurt by so deeply that your only recourse is to hurt yourself? You are a brilliant young woman, so why are you making this decision over and over again? What will it take to stop you? I send you to this facility so that I can stop wondering if you will be dead the next time I come home. This goes beyond your gender confusion. Beyond your self diagnosing of ailment after ailment. I sincerely hope that you are taking time to dig deep and understand the amazing love that God has for you and the wonderful plans He has for your life. I don't know when I will get to talk to you again. But I wish that I could have had a chance to hug you and tell you that I love you. 

Until we meet again in person, I hope that you can latch onto God and know that He, me, and so many others love you. We're praying for your healing. And I hope to see you soon.

Love always, 

Mom

Lost

I feel so lost right now. I am days away from checking my oldest into a mental health residential program. I don't know how we got here. I don't know why my kids can't seem to function normally. Neither seem able to overcome any sort of adversity. I have tried so hard to teach them both a love of learning and to foster independence. Yet both my older ones are floundering. I want to figure out what went wrong so I don't make the same mistake with my youngest. Although I wonder if there is a genetic factor for them as well. 

I am waiting on insurance approval. She has packed a suitcase. I have the notarized form giving this facility guardianship while she is there. This is scary for me, she is acting like she's about to go in vacation. But the lying and the sneaking around continues. And if she can't admit her mistakes, I don't know how I allow her back here. At times I feel like I failed as a mother. But I also recognize that I was never meant to be both parents. Although that doesn't make me feel any better about my youngest. 

God, You are in control. Once again, I don't understand any of this. But I need You close right now. Show me the way forward for each of my children. I need You to show me the best way to love them and what they need to truly flourish.

Patience gives results

 The last month has been a bit stressful financially.  But everything was solved in under 24 hours.  My former insurance company, Branch Insurance, had sent multiple levels informing me my home policy would not be renewed because they were no longer insuring IL houses.  As a consequence, I found a new company, and am saving money.  But somehow, they still billed my mortgage company, so I paid premiums for 2 policies.  It then took them over 6 weeks to send me a refund for over $1700!  That check arrive yesterday.  The second issue was that I was not receiving child support/alimony.  I have no idea what the problem was, but a deposit arrive in my account today for over $3700.  I get $1375 per paycheck, so you can imagine how not having this money was significant to me.  I'm actually looking forward to paying bills and settling my accounts next Thursday at the end of the month now.  And I was able to buy my son shoes he needs.

I am attempting to get myself back in shape.  I am creating my own weight training plan and so far have followed it M/W/F, with trying to get in extra steps on the other days.  These next 2 days may be tough, but if I can't get outside Thursday due to the weather, I have the rowing machine in the basement set up.  I'm not taking a before picture yet because I'm embarrassed of what I look like.  But the first positive that I've noted is a decreasing resting heart rate.  It was scarily high to me, around 74 fairly consistently.  But as I've worked out the last 10 days, it has come down to 66 as of today.  I'm hoping to see this get down to 60 or below again.  I am enjoying the strength training and look forward to the other benefits of tone and weight loss over the weeks to come.  I seem to be sleeping better already as well, which is nice.

I am enjoying letting my youngest be more relaxed the last few days as well.  With my older 2 in school, we get a lot of time to just walk, visit parks, and play together.  Her library programs haven't started yet and I'm actually debating if I want to have her there twice a week because she seems to be so engaged in just exploring her world.  She has taken to picking dandelions.  And yesterday on an evening walk we stopped to watch a bunny and 2 squirrels.  She likes to pick up rocks, sticks, and other items just to carry.  I try to talk to her about what she's seeing to encourage her speech.  It's been a wonderful time and I'm really looking forward to watching her development this school year.

God is providing.  Through it all, that's the constant.  And I cling to that.  There are more storms right now that I'm not ready to write about.  I'm focused on the rainbows, because I need to color and sunshine before I just hit the wall.  God will carry my through, and I'll just keep praying every night that He will provide me with wisdom to guide my kids each day.

So many thoughts

The past few months have been crazy. And I have so many thoughts swirling through my head lately. Where to begin.

I have a 15yo that I don't know what to do with. Although I feel there's a glimmer of hope this past week. We seem to have narrowly missed sending her to an inpatient treatment program to deal with her mental health. Now we are pursuing counseling twice a week. I have no idea if it's helping. She is still lying and sneaking around, pushing back on expectations. But it seems to be at a more typical teenager level for now. I am hoping that this sticks and she is willing to put in the work to get to a more normal life.

Still basically silence from the kids' father. Although no child support for 3 payment cycles. He has promised it's coming early next week. The state has no idea. And the modification department seems to be just utterly confused.

My 13yo son seems to generally be doing okay. Except he appears to hate school to a level I never imagined. The other day we were talking with others about start and end times and wandered around to how my youngest won't ever have to get up for school. I joked that he was jealous of that. His response was that it had nothing to do with time, but that he is glad she will never have to experience because "it is hell." I was caught off guard by that, because he has had a much better attitude since we moved. It seems the social issues are better, but he hates the academics. He would benefit so much from moving at his own pace!

My youngest will be 2.5 tomorrow. She's laying next to me now, resting after a busy and active day for her. Her sleep has been so much better the last month, even with our vacation. I think we are both feeling more rested as she is no longer up multiple times a night.  Her speech is improving, she has physically grown a ton, and I just did the 30m screening and she passed everything with flying colors. I keep debating whether I should be trying to do a preschool program with her this year or not. I honestly can't remember when I started with the other 2, but I'm thinking they were 3. So maybe just another year of tons of books. I should probably do more art with her. Definitely something to keep in mind this winter if we get stuck inside, or rainy days. I need to not get stuck in a run and try to keep exposing her to new things.

We went on an amazing vacation. I seriously didn't want to come home. My dream for traveling in a camper is even more pronounced. There is so much of this country I've never seen. And there is so much to learn by visiting places with rich history. The traveling becomes more affordable if you don't have to pay for hotels constantly. And it seems there may even be some places where you could park for a night or 2 free before moving on. Definitely have things I will be researching in 3 years when my middle son is getting closer to graduating high school. I think we could have an amazing time and my youngest would learn so much. 

I will be starting a mom's group and likely a Bible study this fall. I am looking forward to the time with other moms and am hopeful of making friends for my youngest. Nothing else seems to have worked so far. I think it starts in a month, so looking forward to that journey. 

I feel jumbled lately. I started work on repairing the exercise room. I believe it will only require a maximum of 4 cuts to put the wall back up. So if I do 1 week, I will have the room ready enough to return to exercising by September. Maybe I will be able to work quicker if everything aligns well. Once this room is done, I will be putting exercise as a priority before other household projects. Although I am thinking that without tutoring this year, I can take a couple hours each weekend to tackle something around the house and still have 1 day to relax and focus on the family. I am settling into a more relaxed lifestyle and I am looking forward to it. Hopefully it will result in some weight loss as I work on moving more, strength training, and eventually returning to my fasting. My youngest needs to decide she no longer wants to nurse first though. She will be my longest for that.

It's nice to feel more grounded. And I'm pretty sure that focusing on reading the Bible 2x/day fairly consistently has helped with that. God is truly in control and I look forward to what He has planned for tomorrow. Because I have learned to roll with the punches a bit more and am trying to just wait for what is coming. In the meantime, I am certainly enjoying this little one. 

Silence

It's been 4 weeks since I have heard from my exhusband.  No contact for our son's 13th birthday, not even a card in the mail. Both kids have blocked him from electronic communication. It seems this is what he wants. I will never understand how a person can father a child and not desire to be an inactive, engaged participant in their life.

My 13yo has been spending tons of time with his small group leader from church. He seems to be struggling with a few things right now and I'm hoping that this relationship will provide him with a positive male role model and someone he can talk to and ask questions he thinks I can't answer.

My 15yo is still struggling. She generally doesn't want to be around the family. She is trying to develop an identity that goes against our faith, but won't admit that it does. When I ask clarifying questions, because I truly don't understand, she gets offended because she can't answer them. I think she's told so many lies over the years that she has lost sight of the truth and I have no idea how to help her back to reality.

How do you deal with a compulsive liar? Because both kids seem to have developed this trait from their father and it's baffling to me. I don't understand how a person can see reality and then just make up something else that happened. I don't understand how a person can be okay with constantly lying. Sometimes it's about little things - I didn't eat that, or that's not mine. But then there are bigger things, like accusing other people of harming someone. Maybe they are just exaggerations and as kids they don't fully consider the ramifications of their accusations. But they also watched their father do it repeatedly with no consequences. 

And so I hope this silence remains. I hope it's the beginning of a chance for me to reprogram the kids to a more healthy way of life. The stress level here has certainly decreased, as we're not planning around someone else's random schedule. It's certainly more expensive, but as always, God is providing. I should get the child support modification result soon. I trust that God has his hand in being sure that we will have what we need. We are all feeling a little more stable these days and it is nice. I don't know what the future holds, but I pray daily for healing of our hearts and protection for my youngest as she grows without a father at all. I still don't know how I will respond when she asks where her father is. God will provide though, I'm interested to see His solution.

Another Storm, human created

This time it started with an email. Wild accusations from my ex husband about our son. Unbelievable accusations, so much so that those few I shared the email with were laughing a bit. But wow has it caused a turn of events.

How does one accuse their own son of such things? I can't even bring myself to write what they were. But on Easter Sunday, as he walked up to my house, he sent an email with a list of allegations. Except, even the timing of sending that email doesn't make sense. The accusations were regarding the day before, and the alleged behavior was egregious. Yet, he dropped our son off at 6pm Saturday and didn't bother to say anything until 2:48pm Sunday. Not to mention, I didn't read the email until around 6pm Sunday. This is despite sending text messages when he got a flat tire Saturday. But despite what the email alleged, the visit wasn't cut short either. In fact, it was longer than expected, even though he could have brought him home instead of keeping our son until the tow truck arrived.

The real storm was yet to come after that email. The email ended with a demand for my response, via email. Since the beginning of February, except for the emergency texts about the flat tire, I have directed my ex to return to the court ordered app for communication. So this was an attempt at stepping over this boundary again. As usual, I screenshot the email and responded within the app. This apparently didn't make him happy, so he or his wife called dcfs. And that has backfired on him.

When dcfs showed up and I came home to talk to them, I was boldly honest. I shared the email. I also shared the refusal to follow the court order for communication and for parenting time. They took it all in, while telling me that I needed to keep my son separated from my girls. Because as a single mom, that's easy. They actually sympathized a little and said we could get the process going quickly. I expressed my frustration over their non-appearance when our daughter made allegations against her father last fall. And the response was that this is her opportunity to speak.

So on Tuesday I was informed that my 2yo would be left alone. How do you interview a mostly nonverbal, very shy with strangers child? I was getting ready to object and ask they speak with the various adults in her life, most of whom are mandated reporters. They would all say they have seen no changes in behavior, that she loves her brother and exhibits no fear of him. Despite her speech delay, which seems partly physical, she is an amazingly confident, happy toddler. So I was glad to hear they would leave her alone. And we set up the interview for my oldest. The fear remained as I was told that the issue with my son was given to another town and how to proceed was their choice.

In the mean time, I reached out to some adults in my son's life. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't missing something as mom. But the small group leader was shocked and said he hadn't seen anything remotely close. And they just went through a series on sexual design from God. And the dean at the school was shocked and shared she has never been uncomfortable with him and found the situation unbelievable as a relayed the accusations. Finally I spoke with my son's therapist. He never even got around to addressing my son in particular, focusing on the inconsistencies in the email and how what was written made no sense given the human condition. He agreed to see him next week just to check in. I felt better after these conversations, knowing my mother instincts are fully intact.

So Wednesday I took my oldest in for her interview. She had told me that she would share her memory that was unearthed last fall if asked a general question about inappropriate touch. And so, she did share when asked. She also convinced the officer that she is a responsible, smart girl that is wise beyond her years. And so, her memory is being passed on to the town we lived in when she was 5 or 6. I was also informed that nothing is being pursued with my son. They want to check in with him to see if he's experienced anything similar to my daughter. But he is no longer at risk for being in trouble. Makes a mother's heart relax a bit.

I don't really know what happens next. There are so many unknowns it's hard to lost them all. But we are in God's hands. He is controlling all of this and will provide as He always has. I trust in Him. At the moment, I am waiting on the paperwork from the seargent and to find out if a restraining order needs to be pursued. That depends on whether my exhusband will comply with staying away during the investigation. As I never imagined he would accuse our son as he has, I truly don't know how he will respond. So we wait and just try to rest in knowing that we are in the hands of a loving, protective God.

Alone again

I long to feel connected. To have friends that I get together with on a regular basis. To not always be the one to initiate plans. I am so tired of being so alone, but I don't know what to do anymore. So I'm thinking that I will stop trying. 

I exchanged numbers with some moms. One from the neighborhood last fall. I've met her at the park, had her over for plydates. But she has never initiated anything. Another mom from the library. I asked about going sledding. It didn't work that time, but she's never reached out. 

I had someone over Thursday. We were supposed to work on the basement. My drill died but in the time we worked I was able to see the knowledge she claimed to have was lacking. I had let her take the lead, and I now I likely need to redo the section we did and thus wasted 4hrs of work time.

I'm tired, I'm wrung out. I have failed at building a village for my kids. And so I really just want to go somewhere else. I long for a simple life, a farm where I can grow food, raise chickens. A place where my youngest can grow feeling close to nature. The schedule here makes me crazy and exhausted. I have had this longing for so many years. I feel like I was born in the wrong decade. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

God, I need You. Show me my steps today. Show me what You have prepared for me. I need Your guidance. Nothing seems to be working and I am exhausted yet can't sleep. Show me how to help my kids. I am feeling so lost.

Disaster, again

On Wed, February 22, a storm rolled in. It started as rain, but the temperature dropped and a coating of ice covered the trees. About 6:30, our power went out. The generator didn't turn on. I didn't think too much of it, we folded laundry by candlelight and went to bed. It was a stressful night as I worried about my phone dying before we heard about school. Luckily I could borrow a charger from my oldest. School was canceled because so many were without power.

I decided to call a locksmith because I couldn't get into the generator. As we waited for him, I called a company for the generator. They, by a miracle, arrived first and quickly opened the generator. I was able to cancel the locksmith and found out I had the correct key all along! Push down on the corner  then the key will work. 

When I went into the basement to find the number for the generator company, things quickly went from manageable to bad. The basement was filled with 2-3" of water. I asked my older 2 to pull everything they could out of the basement. We were able to save everything of value.

The generator was fixed, and shortly thereafter power was restored from the grid. But the ejector pump was overloaded by the amount of water and failed. So while we had gone out to let the water recede and the house warm up, the water just sat. I discovered the flipped breaker when we returned and then called a water restoration company to help. He came out and helped me troubleshoot to get the sump pump pushing the water out. It was mostly gone by 6:30. But the damage had been done, the drywall was soaked.

The ejector pump was fixed Friday morning and it pushed out the remaining water. That night, the extraction began. It's been a process, but now everything has been removed and the fans should come out today. I am waiting on the insurance company to find out what they will cover. And I look forward to the day that I can move our things back into the basement instead of living in chaos.

Only God is sustaining me through this. He sent 4 angels to help us move all our stuff into the garage on Sunday. I know He has a plan with all of this, so I'm just waiting to see what that is. I have been overwhelmed at times and I'm exhausted. But the people that God has placed to help have been amazing. I am looking forward to getting to the other side of yet another first time experience. My kids are going to be able to survive anything as adults after having been through 2 home disasters. Thank you for providing all that we need, God. And thank you for holding me in your hands.

Just Struggling

I don't know what's going on lately. I suspect the lack of exercise and outdoor time is messing with my brain and body. It seems this time of year is always tough for me. I just feel very stuck. I don't like living here but I can't go anywhere until my middle child is 18. Then I hope to take my youngest on some adventures. But that's 5.5 years away. 

So how do I become content with where I'm at now? I am just struggling. How do I form connection while working 3 jobs and raising 3 kids? Whenever I think about letting tutoring fade out, another person seems to contact me and I have trouble saying no to a student that is struggling. I feel like I am not giving Lilli enough attention. But I don't know how to fun a balance. I feel torn about so much.

I want to start working out again because I don't like my body, but I'm not sure how/when to do it. I feel like I'm constantly working, being with my kids, or cleaning. Am I just making excuses, or am I really that busy? I don't even know anymore. I do know that something needs to change before I burn out. 

God, please help. Show me the way forward from here,  because I'm really struggling. 

Tuesday

Dear God, 

I don't understand my life. I have so many desires unfulfilled and I don't know which are from You. Help me to know what direction to go. 

I have wanted a large family forever. Clearly that is not to be the case unless through adoption. And I don't have space in the house nor capacity for more kids at this point. But why is it still in my heart?

I seem to be constantly worried about finances. Will I make enough to do what we want? You have shown me time and again that You will provide, and provide abundantly. I waiver now with how much I should be working. It seems tutoring clients abound. But I don't want my kids to feel abandoned. Help me to know when to stop, when to say no. I know that you have given me a great talent for teaching math and physics and I feel bad telling kids no. Show me how to find balance. 

I long for more connections. I don't know how to make them. I've tried since moving, but am always the one sending invites. What do I need to do to find reciprocal friendship? Is there something I am doing wrong? Show me how to fid authentic community at this stage of my life. I would love to find a new partner, but at this point I just want people to see on a regular basis. I don't know how to find that. We've lived here over 6 months and basically made 0 progress. 

I know You have a plan for my older kids. But as we approach 3yrs after the divorce, things are just hard. It's not the money, it's the verbal abuse via email and refusal to respect any boundaries. Court seems useless, so what do I do? Show me the way so we can have freedom. I don't see the way forward that is best for the kids. Show me.

I'm tired, so very tired. I ask that you give me the energy I need to fulfill the purpose You have set forth. I need clear vision to know the next steps. Right now I just feel exhausted and like I'm stumbling through the dark. Hold me and guide me forward, Lord.

Check on the Strong Ones

This is 40

This is hard

The post divorce abuse is real

I haven't written about the abuse my kids and I have experienced at the hands of their father. It's generally not physical, but it's very real. He seems to have given up trying to physically control our son. Once a kid knows how to disarm any size person, he becomes difficult to control. The self defense classes he took to feel more confident against school bullies comes in handy even outside of school. 

The abuse is verbal, emotional, and financial. Apparently asking a parent to contribute to car insurance is entitlement. There was no discussion about splitting the cost, just a flat out refusal to help at all. We should just ignore that before he had an affair with a coworker and left, the plan was for a car at 16. I'm hopeful that babysitting will help her pay for part of the insurance. I'm apparently a horrible person for asking for a consistent, predictable schedule that is agreed upon. The agreed upon plan written nearly 3 years ago was exactly that, and I am supposedly selfish for asking that it be followed. 

I don't have the money to go back to court and fight when nobody in the court system cares about the kids. He can lie and say what everyone wants to hear, actions are apparently meaningless. So why spend thousands more to end up with nothing? The family court system is corrupt and appears blind to any abuse that stops short of physical. 

I work 3 jobs. I do 99% of the parenting for a 12 and 14yo and 100% for my nearly 2yo. I don't have a personal life really. When would I have time for that? But boy am I tired. Not just physically, although I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I am emotionally tired of supporting 2 kids whose father seeks to tear them apart any chance he gets. Who doesn't see that by constantly choosing himself, he is hurting them. Or maybe he does see it and just doesn't care. I'm not sure which is worse. I have always thought that the goal of a parent is to provide their children with equal or more opportunity than he had as a child. In this case, I guess the goal is to not do anything more than the court mandates. Certainly wouldn't want to take less than 5 trips without your children while forfeiting parenting time in 1 year. 

Yes, I am becoming a bit bitter because I am so tired. And because I don't know what to do to help my kids. I chose the wrong person to have kids with. I was in a bad place when I was 19 and again at 37. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything. But my heart breaks for them. The youngest at least won't have to suffer the back and forth. And I can tell her the abandonment had nothing to do with her because her father never even met her. And I pray often that God will seal up any hurt that is inevitable when she's old enough to see she has no father. But for the other two, I don't know how to help them navigate seeing a father that has a chosen a life away from them, while still trying to retain as much control of their lives as possible. 5.5 more years until we are all free from him. Maybe one day there can be reform in the court system where actions speak louder than words. I hope I live to see that, because the abuse started small 5yrs before the divorce began. But now the abuse is clear and abundant. Putting a name to it makes it a smidgen easier, but living with abuse for 8yrs really starts to take its toll.