The Destruction

Dear Exhusband, 

How is it that you are so blind? You continually blame me for everything. Yet until you had an affair and filed for divorce, the kids were holding it together. Somehow, them now falling apart lands at my feet.

I begged for years for affection. For you to put down the phone and engage. But never for more than 5-10 minutes at a time. You turned away from the family years ago, but I was able to hold the kids together, because they knew they would always have me.

But now, you try to push yourself into their life unnaturally. You seem to prefer to communicate via text. But they are still kids, they need face to face interactions for a relationship to develop. They need time to just be together well before they will tell you anything real. But you consistently reject their requests for time. If it's not on your terms, it doesn't happen at all. But they aren't toddlers.

Our daughter fell apart last fall. She is still struggling, wishing away the pain of your rejection along with the typical middle school drama. Do you realize the amount of time she spends with therapists right now? You are one, but yet you can't connect with her. Because you don't actually listen to her. Do you see all her medical issues? Her body is struggling because she's living in a constant state of fight or flight. I beg you, let her no be no, without requirement of justification. Don't we want her to learn that saying no is enough? It starts with giving her a voice at home. It's hard when I'm the only one showing her that she deserves respect just for being herself. 

Our son is falling apart more slowly. He can hold it together for a few days, maybe a week. But eventually, he becomes a puddle, often in my arms. He wishes he could run away, because he hurts so much. He wants a break from the hard parts of life, from dealing with your rejection as well as the rejection from the kids at school. But you refuse to give him any break. And you expect me to patch him up, and put him on the bus every morning. Some mornings, it just doesn't happen. I can often sense it coming, but I don't know how to stop the train.

I'm exhausted. Being a single mom is hard. But you know what is even harder? Being a single mom that has to fight against the father. You don't add anything positive to their lives right now. It's like you don't see these 2 amazing children with hearts of gold sitting in front of you. Watching our son interact with my baby, you can see the love just pouring out of him. If you sat and truly listened to either child, your heart would break, just as mine keeps doing. They are trying so hard and feel unheard and defeated. Yet they get up the next day and try again. 

When does it end? When do you stop torturing these kids? Will you ever stop putting yourself first? Or will you at least let us leave? Because I don't know how much longer we can all keep putting ourselves back together after interacting with you. They can only take so much and we are all running out of the strength to keep fighting. 

Need a Miracle

 I don't even know where to begin with the past week.  Maybe I should work backwards.  Yesterday a dog I had been watching for 9 days escaped my yard and was killed by a car.  Someone removed a barrier that keeps all dogs in my yard.  A barrel stacked with 2 large logs on top closes a gap between fences just big enough for a dog to fit through.  I can't see it from my house because bushes block the way.  Why would someone move the barrier?  Was it the neighbor behind me that may have done it in the past?  Or was this possibly someone else that is trying to cause difficulty in my life?  Well, they killed a sweet, lovable dog that was one of the most important things to the owner.  I couldn't say anything to them except I'm sorry.  Much of yesterday morning was spent in tears.

Maybe I won't work in any order whatsoever.  Last Sunday, my baby girl was sick.  She woke up at 1am burning up, her temp was 103.  This came out of nowhere.  He breathing was rapid, but that was it.  I spent the morning at the ER, as acetaminophen only brought the fever down to 100 and didn't change the breathing.  But of course her breathing was fine there.  We came home and battled her fever the rest of the day.  It reached a high of 104.8 around 3pm.  That was 4 hours after ibuprofen and 1 hour after acetaminophen.  I forced her into the bathtub and luckily she fussed but didn't scream.  We got the fever down to 101.  She slept and nursed nearly the entire day.  At least she was going through plenty of soaked diapers.  I gave her a final round of ibuprofen at around 2am Monday morning and she slept okay after that.  Monday her fever was up and down all day.  Still nursing and sleeping frequently.  Tuesday she was fever free, but still very lethargic, sleeping much of the day.  But by Wednesday, she woke up ready to play.  I treasured her smiles so much that day after being so scared for her.  Peculiarly, none of the nurses or doctors that listened to her heart at the hospital heard her murmur.  So there is a possibility her heart has healed itself.  I guess I will learn more at her 9 month check-up at the beginning of November.  Until then, I'm enjoying her smiles and development.

The final stressor was of course my exhusband.  He attempted to use my baby being sick as a way to say we should be wearing masks more.  Um, she didn't get covid.  In fact, she didn't have the flu or RSV.  Kids get sick.   It sucks, it's scary, but it happens.  We don't need to hide from germs.  Getting sick and recovering is actually how our immune systems are built up.  I now have some evidence of just how self-serving he is though.  On Wednesday, he demanded the kids wear a mask in his car.  They got upset, refused to it, and then acted out towards him.  Both kids are fully aware that their behavior was inappropriate.  In fact, I fully believe they knew at the time that their behavior was wrong, but did it anyway.  Because after begin treated poorly for so long, they want to try to hurt him back.  After this incident, I of course have received multiple emails delineating what they did.  He skipped where they asked him somewhat nicely to leave.  He ignored them when they demanded he leave them alone.  But according to him, they made all the mistakes that night.

Luckily, the kids have some solid counselors.  So now we wait for the counselors to has things out and show me the way forward.

Have to go, the baby is waking up for a nearly 2 hour nap in her crib.  

Reaching my limit

Something has got to give. I am at my breaking point. Last Friday I was asked to pick my son up from school. He was having an anxiety attack and mentioned covid symptoms. My ex of course tried to make it into a fight. Because I was focused on tasks in front of me - picking J up, talking to the school nurse, continuing with work, taking care of my baby, getting J to urgent care for a covid test - I didn't respond to his email asking for more details for about 2 hours. Because of the delay, he blew up my phone. This was completely unacceptable. He never once followed up to see how James was doing after I sent the test results. 

Thankfully, I didn't hear from him until Wednesday. But he has decided J can't attend his martial arts classes. Due to his tone when speaking to the owner, the owner hung up on him. The owner called me to discuss options to keep J in the program because he loves it. He ended our call requesting that my ex not enter the facility going forward. Yet somehow my ex firmly believes he has done nothing wrong. 

Ex was not here to talk to or take J to class by 4:35pm, so I took him. This turned into another situation where ex decided it was acceptable to blow up my phone - 2 texts, 3 calls and 2 voice mails - 0 emails. I had the volume off and was getting everyone into my car and then driving so wasn't paying attention to my phone. When I got home I let him know that the harassing communication needed to stop or I would block his number. This response was apparently not appreciated. 

I am just sick of being taken advantage of. He thinks he can do whatever he wants, show up when it's convenient for him and I have to go along with it. That's just not how it's going to be.

I let ex know that we will consider a different activity when he takes the time to find something that fits our schedule and budget. As anticipated, he refuses to put forth any effort. So we continue forward with our plan until he proposes something we could consider. 

The latest thing is requiring both children to wear a mask in his car. When we will he stop using covid as a way to get out of being a parent? I get it, he's terrified of getting sick. But he's vaccinated, so why is he still terrified? I will not allow his fear to run our lives. C refused to even speak to him when he came today.

I'm still hoping he forgets about the petition to move. Less than 2 weeks remains. I am so tired and I need to be done. I am ready to move forward with my life. 

No Beds

I felt a little refreshed today. The big kids went with their dad. The baby napped, staying asleep for about a half hour after I got up. I napped with her first as well. I was able to get the house picked up and sit and relax for a few minutes. 

I have 2 more dog sitting requests. I meet them tomorrow, so we will see how that goes. Could be some good extra money for next month. Just not sure if it will work long term. 

The kids came home, arriving 8 minutes after the 1hr window I had been given. The utter lack of respect for anyone else is amazing. He was even late to take our daughter to the doctor this morning. That's not the most disappointing part. This was their first time at the house he's now living in with his girlfriend. Nevermind that he's condoning living with someone he isn't even engaged to. The kids didn't see beds there for them. They both said they didn't care. But I could tell from their faces that it hurt. And so, I hope he forgets to respond my petition to move. We are less than a month away from the deadline. 

God, our lives are in your hands. Lead us into the future that you have planned. Heal our hearts and make us whole again, as only You can do. I trust in You.

Drained

Just, done. Thankfully it's Friday. Although, how is the weekend really any different? I guess I don't have to work tomorrow. But I still have to make breakfast and dinner for all, lunch for me and the baby.

My son must have had a bad end to the school week. His behavior tonight was not good. He got super upset that I was insisting he actually do his chores. He mentioned feeling run over at the end of the day. I forgot to ask about lunch. Yesterday he said he eats alone. I'm not even sure how to help him manage that. I'm going to talk to some people next week.

I got a phone call from the assistant principal today. My daughter wrote about her hospital experience last fall in her ELA class today. That landed her in the social worker office and they called to let me know. I actually am wondering if they bothered to call her father. I will have to ask her when I get her from gymnastics tonight.

The baby isn't happy crawling anymore. She wanted to stand, like all day. But she isn't quite strong enough. She was almost constantly crawling on me today. That was exhausting. All 6 teeth have now cut through her gums. I am praying that means she will sleep tonight. I am so exhausted. 

I'm not sure I can continue dog sitting. Having another dog around is exhausting. Especially one that wants to be around me constantly and doesn't seem to notice the baby. Maybe I will feel different with another dog.

I am just done. I want to sleep for a day. The super hot weather doesn't help. That should break Monday. So just have to get through the next 2 days. I do get to start picking a day to take off every 2 weeks soon. I'm thinking I need to start getting the baby to sleep in her crib. Maybe tomorrow I will give it a try for naps. I don't remember it being this hard with either of the others. I wasn't so alone then either.

God, I need your strength to keep moving forward. I am just so exhausted. I can't keep this up, although I do need the money to pay for everything. Help me to sleep well tonight.

Asking Questions

Sometimes I get tired of asking questions on behalf of my kids. This week I've had to ask many again. I've been blessed with some positive responses at least.

Why did the gymnastics change the class level without informing us? 20 minutes conversation with the gym owner and my 13yo now has a spot on Xcel silver and gets to do what she was hoping for this school year.

How is my daughter doing in counseling? I question often in my head if I created the terrible relationship between my kids and their father. Because when you get told that constantly (by him), you start to wonder if it's true. But I spoke to her counselor today for an hour. I asked how I can help my daughter move forward. I specifically asked if there was anything I'm doing that's a problem. I was told to just keep listening and affirming. I was reassured that I am doing what is necessary. The counselor agreed that they will work on how my daughter can set boundaries so her father's actions don't impact her self worth so much. Because it's hard to repeatedly be told through actions that you don't matter. And it's hard to be told often that your memory of events is wrong. 

Tomorrow I will ask about math placement for my son. What class he's in just doesn't make sense. And quite frankly, the school is asking for behavior problems with the placement. But maybe there's something I'm missing? 

But for once in countless years I would like things to just run smoothly. I'm tired of calling out the careless mistakes of others that negatively impact my kids. Why can't people do their jobs properly the first time? At least with my youngest I won't have to ask questions about school until about high school. I don't think I'm better than other people, I just recognize that I am often the only one that cares about the outcome for my kids and is willing to listen to what is going on inside of them. For now, I'm just so very weary in this role. God, take control while rest a bit.

Moving Forward

Today felt like a marathon of a day. It didn't help that the baby was up at 6:15am and didn't nap much. By 7:30 the dog I'm watching for the week was dropped off. He's a sweetie pie and could actually be really good for my son's anxiety as he returns to school. Our dog will only sleep in my room, so having another dog that sleeps with my son could be good. We will see how it plays out this week.

I got my work done and we took the dogs for a walk. Everyone did well and it was good to get out before the weather got hot. My son helped me install a Ring doorbell. The added security for dog sitting and tutoring will be nice. I will also have access to recordings so my ex can stop gaslighting the kids. We will see if I ever have reason to use it for that. But it's nice to know who is at the door if I'm trapped on the couch with the baby.

I took the kids to supply drop off. They both saw some friends. My son helped other kids figure out their locks. He felt good being one to show others what to do. Hopefully this will help his anxiety with school a little. This morning he was already complaining of a stomachache, so I know tomorrow will be bad. Maybe I will get lucky. We brought the neighbors home since they were waiting for their mom. I enjoy being able to help others out, especially considering how much they have helped me. I always feel bad that I don't have more to offer.

I got to tutor today. I miss building those relationships with students. I am going to start working with this girl weekly via zoom. I will make some extra money and enjoy it, win all around. The mother is also divorced so there's a possibility of a friendship there. God works in unknown ways. This was the first tutor request I have responded to in months. There's even a possible friend for my daughter, as the student is an 8th grader that will go to the same high school next year.

We finished the day with ninjas and gymnastics. My daughter was super upset with how gymnastics went. Add another thing to call about tomorrow. They changed the level for the class after I signed up and I have proof of that. Very frustrating. 

And now I try to settle my brain and prepare for tomorrow morning. If I can make it to 8:15, the rest of the day should be easy. Time to get the baby on more of a schedule. Should be good for all. So I lay my worries in the hands of God. Only He knows the plan. Lord, protect my household and heal my baby's heart. Watch over us tonight as we sleep. 

Can't sleep

The last few days have been tough. My oldest was sick Saturday. Basically she had exactly what I did. At least we knew what to expect. Her tolerance for discomfort is lower though. I wonder if this was a cold, the flu, or covid. We will never know for sure. I also found red bumps all over my baby.. no idea why,, although they are going away quickly..  Sunday we spent at home so she could fully recover. 

Monday was a long day. I worked in the morning. It was nice to be supported by my boss in saying no to a request to basically provide notes for a student. She should be expected to fill in the blanks on the guided notes! I also received notice via email from my ex that he is unavailable to see the kids on Wednesday. Why did he wait until Monday to inform? Such an attempt to mess with scheduling to be sure I can never plan anything in my own life. Bible study was canceled anyway, so it ends up not mattering. Just another thing to add to the list of why we should be allowed to move.  As we were leaving for counseling for the oldest, I answered a call that turned out to be a tutoring opportunity. So God continues to provide ways for me to make ends meet. 

On the way home from counseling, the baby threw up. I didn't even know until we got home because she wasn't crying. I don't know what's wrong but she is having trouble sleeping. I may need to take her in if she is still struggling Wednesday. I worry it is somehow related to her heart. I have cut dairy out of my diet again to see if that is related, but it's already been a few days. I keep praying she is okay.

When we got home, my son was in a terrible mood. He had gotten into a disagreement with his cousin on the computer. But his anxiety is already through the roof with school starting. So he became almost violent when I cut the internet. For the first time in a long time I was a little afraid of him hurting someone, particularly the baby. But eventually he went into the basement to burn off his anger. By not pushing him, he was able to gain control of himself and had a great end to the night at class, had dinner and then did a bonfire. 

Today we do supply drop off for school. It will be interesting to see what his anxiety level looks like before and after. He still asks to homeschool on a daily basis. I'm just praying he calms a bit once the year gets going. It's probably good that he doesn't have to see his father on the first day of school. 

Praying for my kids, their teachers, and their classmates as we head into this new school year. May everyone stay healthy and learn to get along with each other. 

I  am going to try to sleep more now, because today is going to be an incredibly long day. 

Rollercoaster emotions

I woke up today feeling a little overwhelmed. Yesterday I got my first quote to clean up my yard. They want 3k! I have a huge yard, but there is no way I can afford that. I need to clean up the yard to sell the house. And I'm still praying and hoping to sell this fall. I have yet to receive a response to my formal petition for relocation. September 24th will be 60 days.

So as I get going with my day, I check on my bank account. I get paid today and wasn't sure if my bonus would be there as well. No bonus and looks like the attempt I made to start a Roth to save for college for the kids didn't work. But the bad thing I stumbled upon was my escrow analysis. My mortgage is going up. I can find 1250 and it will only go up by $30 or it goes up by $125. I truly can't afford to stay here. But legally, I can't move.

I was in tears as I stared at the computer, then the baby started crying. I just wanted to run away from everything. I am just done. I need to catch a break somewhere. 

As always, I pushed through my morning. I ate breakfast sitting on the living room floor so the baby could play. I got my work emails done, trying to figure out how to get everything done. Once I finished work, I decided to try something new. I took the baby outside, grabbed a blanket and some toys and plopped her down in the shade. She could see me but was far enough away to not get hit hy debris. I trimmed the bushes. Then I started in the weeding. I trimmed a tree so I will stop hitting the branches with my car. And now I have a pile of branches to haul to our compost pile. I feel marginally better. I am slightly less embarrassed by my yard. And I have some hope to continue making progress. Because if I can get the yardwork done in the mornings, I might be able to tackle the inside stuff during nap time.

I still need to move but I might not need to spend a ton to get the house in order. I remind myself that God is in control. He will make a way even though I see no way.

Bend but don't break

 Last night I laying bed sweating, just waiting for my 6 month old to fall asleep. She's got 4 teeth about to break through so sleep is difficult. I had been feeling unwell most of the day, but it was just a cold. My temperature though was 99.7.  I normally run 97.6, so this was not good. I got up and we rocked in her glider for a while. She was finally ready for bed, so we snuggled up and she drifted off. 

I was at my breaking point yesterday. I even texted a friend, telling him overwhelmed I am. I almost reached out to my small group to ask for prayer, but I feel like a burden to them. It seems like I always have a new prayer request. I know deep down they don't feel that way, but I can't shake the thought. Little did I know that God was working behind the scenes.

I fell asleep shortly after my little one. It was probably only 8:30. My middle child came in at 9 and I woke up. I felt like I had slept several hours, although I still was sick. He laid with me for a while and then decided to try sleeping in his own room. I cleaned his room while he was at camp last week, so now it's a more peaceful place. I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly. My baby only woke twice to nurse last night, we both fell back to sleep quickly and I didn't wake up fully until 7 this morning. I woke up physically feeling so much better. I have some lingering congestion, but I'm now confident this is just a cold and think tomorrow it may be gone. 

There was more that God was doing though. I woke up this morning to my first dog boarding request. It's for next week! I have plenty of space to watch dogs. And working from home, I have the availability. The woman brought her dog over and it's a good match. I will make enough money to buy some new dog things that can help entice future clients and my dog will enjoy as well. I feel less like I'm drowning financially because God is making a way. I'm putting myself out there, offering my time and talents as I can and He is making a way.

My baby refused to nap this morning. I thought it was going to be another long day. But at 1 I laid down with her and she fell asleep easily. I raced to start getting things done. I cleaned up the kitchen and folded the laundry. She was still asleep, so I caught up with work. She was still asleep, so I headed into the basement. It's been a mess for a long time. I could now use the weight bench and rowing machine. If I get another 2 or 3 days like today, I may feel like the basement is clean. Next up would be tackling clearing out the yard. With my 2 big kids heading back to school in 1 week, I could get the yard done with several good nap days.

And then I will just have maintenance and projects I may hire out for remaining. But that depends on finances. I have the ability to do everything on the list. But I've never done drywall and I'm not sure about painting with the baby around. We will see where God leads in these next weeks because clearly He has a plan, even when I'm getting the sleep my body needs to heal from illness.

Unknown Dizziness

 After getting married, buying a house, and having a baby, disaster seemed to strike again.  One day as I sat in the basement playing with my 6 month old, the room started to rock.  I felt like I was on a boat, but I was sitting on the floor.  I have written more extensively on this journey on another blog, but I regret to report that this has never fully gone away.  I have had so many tests run and tried so many different things, but nothing has worked.  I know some things that make it worse - mainly being overly tired or doing exercises with my head below my waist.  But I right now I am suffering nearly daily from dizziness that is starting to become debilitating.  I am praying that once the baby I am carrying is born, the dizziness will at least subside some so I can regain concentration and stability.

Update:  My precious baby girl was born 3 weeks ago. I am happy to report that with ample rest, despite broken sleep, the dizziness is back to being manageable and intermittent.