Day 16

Dear Daughter, 

It's been 16 days since I've been able to give you a hug. I was able to see and talk to you in video 4 days ago. You seem to still be struggling with all the same things. The facility reports that you broke a peanut butter jar apart to scratch into your arm. Why don't you stop? Take control over your own body and stop hurting yourself. I really don't understand. 

I spent another hour cleaning your room today, focusing on your closet. You had garbage in there, more food wrappers. Also just a lot of things you don't use. It's manageable now. I hope to finish your room in the next 2 weeks so you can come home to a more organized bedroom that will also give you fewer places to hide stuff. 

I still don't understand how we got here. And I don't understand how you are still so trapped in negative attention seeking. I noticed an email come through on your phone today that suggests you have once again started another online blog to try to gain attention. I wish you would stop looking for attention from other people to fill your God sized hole. Only He can ultimately provide what you are looking for. Trust me, I tried so many other things. But He has brought me through so much and will guide you if you will follow Him. This is my prayer, that you will truly open your heart to God and let Him heal you. Begin to recognize the amazing talents that God has given you, and pour your energy into using your gifts as He intended. 

I love you and my heart breaks to see you so lost and broken. I pray you begin to put in the work so you can come home and begin to make steps on a new life path. Your dreams are before you. 

Love always, 

Mom

Day 9

Dear Daughter, 

Today I started the process of cleaning your room. I say started because it took me an hour to clean up your floor. What I found under your bed was startling and sad, especially since I asked you repeatedly to clean your room before you left and you promised you had. Yet I filled an entire garbage bag with bloody tissues and food wrappers. From a jar of peanut butter, to Nutella, Graham crackers boxes, nuts, candy wrappers, applesauce cups, chip bags, and more. What is happening in your head and body? 

I also found a razor blades on the floor and another hidden in your old phone case. Is that where you've been hiding them all along? I guess you can't have a phone when you return home. Not sure if I just let the coverage lapse or what. I didn't imagine being put in this position. 

I did some remembering today. Because that garbage reminded me of when you turned 10 and we went to paint your room. We found tons of candy wrappers. But we didn't think much of it back then. Is that when all this started? Why? I honestly don't understand. 

I have always made a conscious effort of only talking about nutrition in a "fuel your body" or "different nutrients do different things for you" way. We talked about the need to eat so your body will do what you want it to. Maybe there is truly a nutrition deficiency here if you have been eating like this for years. But I still ask, why did this happen?

I'm not sure I will ever get an answer. So the next question that we must answer, is, where do we go from here? How do you live in a house where there will be some occasional foods without gorging on them? How do you get back to eating to fuel your body instead of in a panic because your attempts to restrict fail? I hope that this facility can help you with this, because I have no idea.

On Monday I get to talk to you. By then it will be 10 days since I've spoken to you, the longest we've ever gone. It still hurts that you are calling other people. Your sister is asking about you and I don't have anything to tell her. She actually said "I miss sis" yesterday. I'm not sure what she's thinking. 

I'll try to keep processing all of these emotions. I hope and pray that you are actively engaging in everything offered to you. I pray that you will soon take responsibility for the choices you are making each day. Because until you do that, you will be held captive by the demons of blaming others and self doubt. I'll keep praying for you multiple times a day. Because with God, we can overcome anything if we just have faith the size of a mustard seed. I love you  and I look forward to what God has for you on the other of this very low valley. I hope to see start climbing to the mountain top soon.

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter, 

Two days ago was the most difficult day of your life for me this far. I worried about you as an infant. I fought for you as an elementary and middle schooler. But on Friday I admitted you to Timberline Knolls. Because for 3 years you have done everything to cry out for attention and refused to use any of the coping mechanisms offered to you by family, friends, and professionals. Upon admission you handed razor blades to the staff. That meant I didn't get to hug you goodbye and tell you that I love you. Then Saturday they called to ask more questions, because the 3hr intake wasn't enough. And they called back to say you were continuing to self harm, by picking at scabs. They needed to tell me, but they also wanted to verify your adhesive allergy.

Here's what you need to realize. When you lie about things that people can confirm, it makes them question what they can't confirm or deny. And that's where we sit today. I never know if anything you are sharing is real.

I sit and wonder where I went wrong. What could I have done differently? There are so many things that have happened in the last 4 years that have brought us here. And as a mom does, I am looking over them all for what I could have done better. Forced hugs on you rather than respecting your clearly stated aversion to physical contact? Did I miss that your aversion didn't extend to me? It's clear you love hugs from your little sister. Could I have handled the divorce in a different way? I tried my best to survive a difficult situation. But clearly you needed something different to have happened. I wish I knew what it was.

I need you to know, though, simply that I love you. It seems that I haven't done the right things to show you that. When I ask what you need, you say you don't know. So I show love as I know how. I do your laundry, I drive you places, I make your favorite meals, I get you special food at the store, I ask you to join me on walks, I try to include you in anything that I'm doing so we can spend time together, I tell you that I love you. But I seemed to have missed the mark with all of these. So I honestly don't know what to do. And so my last act of showing you love is to send you to a place as my heart breaks apart and pray they can help you figure out what you need.

This place scares me from the outside. You lose most of your standard rights. You won't get to be alone unless you are asleep and I don't even know if that is the case. You probably get to be in a shower stall alone I suppose. I wasn't sure you needed to be there. But then I went to wash your sheets. And I saw the pile of bloody kleenex and your blood on the wall. What is going on in your brain? What have you been hurt by so deeply that your only recourse is to hurt yourself? You are a brilliant young woman, so why are you making this decision over and over again? What will it take to stop you? I send you to this facility so that I can stop wondering if you will be dead the next time I come home. This goes beyond your gender confusion. Beyond your self diagnosing of ailment after ailment. I sincerely hope that you are taking time to dig deep and understand the amazing love that God has for you and the wonderful plans He has for your life. I don't know when I will get to talk to you again. But I wish that I could have had a chance to hug you and tell you that I love you. 

Until we meet again in person, I hope that you can latch onto God and know that He, me, and so many others love you. We're praying for your healing. And I hope to see you soon.

Love always, 

Mom