Day 16

Dear Daughter, 

It's been 16 days since I've been able to give you a hug. I was able to see and talk to you in video 4 days ago. You seem to still be struggling with all the same things. The facility reports that you broke a peanut butter jar apart to scratch into your arm. Why don't you stop? Take control over your own body and stop hurting yourself. I really don't understand. 

I spent another hour cleaning your room today, focusing on your closet. You had garbage in there, more food wrappers. Also just a lot of things you don't use. It's manageable now. I hope to finish your room in the next 2 weeks so you can come home to a more organized bedroom that will also give you fewer places to hide stuff. 

I still don't understand how we got here. And I don't understand how you are still so trapped in negative attention seeking. I noticed an email come through on your phone today that suggests you have once again started another online blog to try to gain attention. I wish you would stop looking for attention from other people to fill your God sized hole. Only He can ultimately provide what you are looking for. Trust me, I tried so many other things. But He has brought me through so much and will guide you if you will follow Him. This is my prayer, that you will truly open your heart to God and let Him heal you. Begin to recognize the amazing talents that God has given you, and pour your energy into using your gifts as He intended. 

I love you and my heart breaks to see you so lost and broken. I pray you begin to put in the work so you can come home and begin to make steps on a new life path. Your dreams are before you. 

Love always, 

Mom

Day 9

Dear Daughter, 

Today I started the process of cleaning your room. I say started because it took me an hour to clean up your floor. What I found under your bed was startling and sad, especially since I asked you repeatedly to clean your room before you left and you promised you had. Yet I filled an entire garbage bag with bloody tissues and food wrappers. From a jar of peanut butter, to Nutella, Graham crackers boxes, nuts, candy wrappers, applesauce cups, chip bags, and more. What is happening in your head and body? 

I also found a razor blades on the floor and another hidden in your old phone case. Is that where you've been hiding them all along? I guess you can't have a phone when you return home. Not sure if I just let the coverage lapse or what. I didn't imagine being put in this position. 

I did some remembering today. Because that garbage reminded me of when you turned 10 and we went to paint your room. We found tons of candy wrappers. But we didn't think much of it back then. Is that when all this started? Why? I honestly don't understand. 

I have always made a conscious effort of only talking about nutrition in a "fuel your body" or "different nutrients do different things for you" way. We talked about the need to eat so your body will do what you want it to. Maybe there is truly a nutrition deficiency here if you have been eating like this for years. But I still ask, why did this happen?

I'm not sure I will ever get an answer. So the next question that we must answer, is, where do we go from here? How do you live in a house where there will be some occasional foods without gorging on them? How do you get back to eating to fuel your body instead of in a panic because your attempts to restrict fail? I hope that this facility can help you with this, because I have no idea.

On Monday I get to talk to you. By then it will be 10 days since I've spoken to you, the longest we've ever gone. It still hurts that you are calling other people. Your sister is asking about you and I don't have anything to tell her. She actually said "I miss sis" yesterday. I'm not sure what she's thinking. 

I'll try to keep processing all of these emotions. I hope and pray that you are actively engaging in everything offered to you. I pray that you will soon take responsibility for the choices you are making each day. Because until you do that, you will be held captive by the demons of blaming others and self doubt. I'll keep praying for you multiple times a day. Because with God, we can overcome anything if we just have faith the size of a mustard seed. I love you  and I look forward to what God has for you on the other of this very low valley. I hope to see start climbing to the mountain top soon.

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter, 

Two days ago was the most difficult day of your life for me this far. I worried about you as an infant. I fought for you as an elementary and middle schooler. But on Friday I admitted you to Timberline Knolls. Because for 3 years you have done everything to cry out for attention and refused to use any of the coping mechanisms offered to you by family, friends, and professionals. Upon admission you handed razor blades to the staff. That meant I didn't get to hug you goodbye and tell you that I love you. Then Saturday they called to ask more questions, because the 3hr intake wasn't enough. And they called back to say you were continuing to self harm, by picking at scabs. They needed to tell me, but they also wanted to verify your adhesive allergy.

Here's what you need to realize. When you lie about things that people can confirm, it makes them question what they can't confirm or deny. And that's where we sit today. I never know if anything you are sharing is real.

I sit and wonder where I went wrong. What could I have done differently? There are so many things that have happened in the last 4 years that have brought us here. And as a mom does, I am looking over them all for what I could have done better. Forced hugs on you rather than respecting your clearly stated aversion to physical contact? Did I miss that your aversion didn't extend to me? It's clear you love hugs from your little sister. Could I have handled the divorce in a different way? I tried my best to survive a difficult situation. But clearly you needed something different to have happened. I wish I knew what it was.

I need you to know, though, simply that I love you. It seems that I haven't done the right things to show you that. When I ask what you need, you say you don't know. So I show love as I know how. I do your laundry, I drive you places, I make your favorite meals, I get you special food at the store, I ask you to join me on walks, I try to include you in anything that I'm doing so we can spend time together, I tell you that I love you. But I seemed to have missed the mark with all of these. So I honestly don't know what to do. And so my last act of showing you love is to send you to a place as my heart breaks apart and pray they can help you figure out what you need.

This place scares me from the outside. You lose most of your standard rights. You won't get to be alone unless you are asleep and I don't even know if that is the case. You probably get to be in a shower stall alone I suppose. I wasn't sure you needed to be there. But then I went to wash your sheets. And I saw the pile of bloody kleenex and your blood on the wall. What is going on in your brain? What have you been hurt by so deeply that your only recourse is to hurt yourself? You are a brilliant young woman, so why are you making this decision over and over again? What will it take to stop you? I send you to this facility so that I can stop wondering if you will be dead the next time I come home. This goes beyond your gender confusion. Beyond your self diagnosing of ailment after ailment. I sincerely hope that you are taking time to dig deep and understand the amazing love that God has for you and the wonderful plans He has for your life. I don't know when I will get to talk to you again. But I wish that I could have had a chance to hug you and tell you that I love you. 

Until we meet again in person, I hope that you can latch onto God and know that He, me, and so many others love you. We're praying for your healing. And I hope to see you soon.

Love always, 

Mom

Lost

I feel so lost right now. I am days away from checking my oldest into a mental health residential program. I don't know how we got here. I don't know why my kids can't seem to function normally. Neither seem able to overcome any sort of adversity. I have tried so hard to teach them both a love of learning and to foster independence. Yet both my older ones are floundering. I want to figure out what went wrong so I don't make the same mistake with my youngest. Although I wonder if there is a genetic factor for them as well. 

I am waiting on insurance approval. She has packed a suitcase. I have the notarized form giving this facility guardianship while she is there. This is scary for me, she is acting like she's about to go in vacation. But the lying and the sneaking around continues. And if she can't admit her mistakes, I don't know how I allow her back here. At times I feel like I failed as a mother. But I also recognize that I was never meant to be both parents. Although that doesn't make me feel any better about my youngest. 

God, You are in control. Once again, I don't understand any of this. But I need You close right now. Show me the way forward for each of my children. I need You to show me the best way to love them and what they need to truly flourish.

Patience gives results

 The last month has been a bit stressful financially.  But everything was solved in under 24 hours.  My former insurance company, Branch Insurance, had sent multiple levels informing me my home policy would not be renewed because they were no longer insuring IL houses.  As a consequence, I found a new company, and am saving money.  But somehow, they still billed my mortgage company, so I paid premiums for 2 policies.  It then took them over 6 weeks to send me a refund for over $1700!  That check arrive yesterday.  The second issue was that I was not receiving child support/alimony.  I have no idea what the problem was, but a deposit arrive in my account today for over $3700.  I get $1375 per paycheck, so you can imagine how not having this money was significant to me.  I'm actually looking forward to paying bills and settling my accounts next Thursday at the end of the month now.  And I was able to buy my son shoes he needs.

I am attempting to get myself back in shape.  I am creating my own weight training plan and so far have followed it M/W/F, with trying to get in extra steps on the other days.  These next 2 days may be tough, but if I can't get outside Thursday due to the weather, I have the rowing machine in the basement set up.  I'm not taking a before picture yet because I'm embarrassed of what I look like.  But the first positive that I've noted is a decreasing resting heart rate.  It was scarily high to me, around 74 fairly consistently.  But as I've worked out the last 10 days, it has come down to 66 as of today.  I'm hoping to see this get down to 60 or below again.  I am enjoying the strength training and look forward to the other benefits of tone and weight loss over the weeks to come.  I seem to be sleeping better already as well, which is nice.

I am enjoying letting my youngest be more relaxed the last few days as well.  With my older 2 in school, we get a lot of time to just walk, visit parks, and play together.  Her library programs haven't started yet and I'm actually debating if I want to have her there twice a week because she seems to be so engaged in just exploring her world.  She has taken to picking dandelions.  And yesterday on an evening walk we stopped to watch a bunny and 2 squirrels.  She likes to pick up rocks, sticks, and other items just to carry.  I try to talk to her about what she's seeing to encourage her speech.  It's been a wonderful time and I'm really looking forward to watching her development this school year.

God is providing.  Through it all, that's the constant.  And I cling to that.  There are more storms right now that I'm not ready to write about.  I'm focused on the rainbows, because I need to color and sunshine before I just hit the wall.  God will carry my through, and I'll just keep praying every night that He will provide me with wisdom to guide my kids each day.

So many thoughts

The past few months have been crazy. And I have so many thoughts swirling through my head lately. Where to begin.

I have a 15yo that I don't know what to do with. Although I feel there's a glimmer of hope this past week. We seem to have narrowly missed sending her to an inpatient treatment program to deal with her mental health. Now we are pursuing counseling twice a week. I have no idea if it's helping. She is still lying and sneaking around, pushing back on expectations. But it seems to be at a more typical teenager level for now. I am hoping that this sticks and she is willing to put in the work to get to a more normal life.

Still basically silence from the kids' father. Although no child support for 3 payment cycles. He has promised it's coming early next week. The state has no idea. And the modification department seems to be just utterly confused.

My 13yo son seems to generally be doing okay. Except he appears to hate school to a level I never imagined. The other day we were talking with others about start and end times and wandered around to how my youngest won't ever have to get up for school. I joked that he was jealous of that. His response was that it had nothing to do with time, but that he is glad she will never have to experience because "it is hell." I was caught off guard by that, because he has had a much better attitude since we moved. It seems the social issues are better, but he hates the academics. He would benefit so much from moving at his own pace!

My youngest will be 2.5 tomorrow. She's laying next to me now, resting after a busy and active day for her. Her sleep has been so much better the last month, even with our vacation. I think we are both feeling more rested as she is no longer up multiple times a night.  Her speech is improving, she has physically grown a ton, and I just did the 30m screening and she passed everything with flying colors. I keep debating whether I should be trying to do a preschool program with her this year or not. I honestly can't remember when I started with the other 2, but I'm thinking they were 3. So maybe just another year of tons of books. I should probably do more art with her. Definitely something to keep in mind this winter if we get stuck inside, or rainy days. I need to not get stuck in a run and try to keep exposing her to new things.

We went on an amazing vacation. I seriously didn't want to come home. My dream for traveling in a camper is even more pronounced. There is so much of this country I've never seen. And there is so much to learn by visiting places with rich history. The traveling becomes more affordable if you don't have to pay for hotels constantly. And it seems there may even be some places where you could park for a night or 2 free before moving on. Definitely have things I will be researching in 3 years when my middle son is getting closer to graduating high school. I think we could have an amazing time and my youngest would learn so much. 

I will be starting a mom's group and likely a Bible study this fall. I am looking forward to the time with other moms and am hopeful of making friends for my youngest. Nothing else seems to have worked so far. I think it starts in a month, so looking forward to that journey. 

I feel jumbled lately. I started work on repairing the exercise room. I believe it will only require a maximum of 4 cuts to put the wall back up. So if I do 1 week, I will have the room ready enough to return to exercising by September. Maybe I will be able to work quicker if everything aligns well. Once this room is done, I will be putting exercise as a priority before other household projects. Although I am thinking that without tutoring this year, I can take a couple hours each weekend to tackle something around the house and still have 1 day to relax and focus on the family. I am settling into a more relaxed lifestyle and I am looking forward to it. Hopefully it will result in some weight loss as I work on moving more, strength training, and eventually returning to my fasting. My youngest needs to decide she no longer wants to nurse first though. She will be my longest for that.

It's nice to feel more grounded. And I'm pretty sure that focusing on reading the Bible 2x/day fairly consistently has helped with that. God is truly in control and I look forward to what He has planned for tomorrow. Because I have learned to roll with the punches a bit more and am trying to just wait for what is coming. In the meantime, I am certainly enjoying this little one. 

Silence

It's been 4 weeks since I have heard from my exhusband.  No contact for our son's 13th birthday, not even a card in the mail. Both kids have blocked him from electronic communication. It seems this is what he wants. I will never understand how a person can father a child and not desire to be an inactive, engaged participant in their life.

My 13yo has been spending tons of time with his small group leader from church. He seems to be struggling with a few things right now and I'm hoping that this relationship will provide him with a positive male role model and someone he can talk to and ask questions he thinks I can't answer.

My 15yo is still struggling. She generally doesn't want to be around the family. She is trying to develop an identity that goes against our faith, but won't admit that it does. When I ask clarifying questions, because I truly don't understand, she gets offended because she can't answer them. I think she's told so many lies over the years that she has lost sight of the truth and I have no idea how to help her back to reality.

How do you deal with a compulsive liar? Because both kids seem to have developed this trait from their father and it's baffling to me. I don't understand how a person can see reality and then just make up something else that happened. I don't understand how a person can be okay with constantly lying. Sometimes it's about little things - I didn't eat that, or that's not mine. But then there are bigger things, like accusing other people of harming someone. Maybe they are just exaggerations and as kids they don't fully consider the ramifications of their accusations. But they also watched their father do it repeatedly with no consequences. 

And so I hope this silence remains. I hope it's the beginning of a chance for me to reprogram the kids to a more healthy way of life. The stress level here has certainly decreased, as we're not planning around someone else's random schedule. It's certainly more expensive, but as always, God is providing. I should get the child support modification result soon. I trust that God has his hand in being sure that we will have what we need. We are all feeling a little more stable these days and it is nice. I don't know what the future holds, but I pray daily for healing of our hearts and protection for my youngest as she grows without a father at all. I still don't know how I will respond when she asks where her father is. God will provide though, I'm interested to see His solution.