Day 9

Dear Daughter, 

Today I started the process of cleaning your room. I say started because it took me an hour to clean up your floor. What I found under your bed was startling and sad, especially since I asked you repeatedly to clean your room before you left and you promised you had. Yet I filled an entire garbage bag with bloody tissues and food wrappers. From a jar of peanut butter, to Nutella, Graham crackers boxes, nuts, candy wrappers, applesauce cups, chip bags, and more. What is happening in your head and body? 

I also found a razor blades on the floor and another hidden in your old phone case. Is that where you've been hiding them all along? I guess you can't have a phone when you return home. Not sure if I just let the coverage lapse or what. I didn't imagine being put in this position. 

I did some remembering today. Because that garbage reminded me of when you turned 10 and we went to paint your room. We found tons of candy wrappers. But we didn't think much of it back then. Is that when all this started? Why? I honestly don't understand. 

I have always made a conscious effort of only talking about nutrition in a "fuel your body" or "different nutrients do different things for you" way. We talked about the need to eat so your body will do what you want it to. Maybe there is truly a nutrition deficiency here if you have been eating like this for years. But I still ask, why did this happen?

I'm not sure I will ever get an answer. So the next question that we must answer, is, where do we go from here? How do you live in a house where there will be some occasional foods without gorging on them? How do you get back to eating to fuel your body instead of in a panic because your attempts to restrict fail? I hope that this facility can help you with this, because I have no idea.

On Monday I get to talk to you. By then it will be 10 days since I've spoken to you, the longest we've ever gone. It still hurts that you are calling other people. Your sister is asking about you and I don't have anything to tell her. She actually said "I miss sis" yesterday. I'm not sure what she's thinking. 

I'll try to keep processing all of these emotions. I hope and pray that you are actively engaging in everything offered to you. I pray that you will soon take responsibility for the choices you are making each day. Because until you do that, you will be held captive by the demons of blaming others and self doubt. I'll keep praying for you multiple times a day. Because with God, we can overcome anything if we just have faith the size of a mustard seed. I love you  and I look forward to what God has for you on the other of this very low valley. I hope to see start climbing to the mountain top soon.