The summer after my sophomore year in college, I worked for the local park district. The first day on the job, we had training at a chapel that the park district owned. I knew pretty much no one, but would be working for athletic camp. The employee that had hired me introduced me to the other counselors that I would be working with. One of those employees was Jon. At this point, I was still extremely broken. I had dated some my sophomore year, but had broken up with a boy towards the end of the school year because it just wasn't working. I had never sought the counseling needed to repair my trauma, but at 19 I didn't recognize it.
After talking for a few days during training and in the parking lot after training, Jon tried to give me his number. This was the first missed red flag. He was so insecure that he didn't want the responsibility of making the first phone call, even though we had been talking for days! I gave him mine, and told him to give me a call. At some point he called and we set up a first actual date. We went out to dinner, each paying for our own meal. Second missed red flag, but since I was mostly figuring it was a casual date, I didn't think much of it. That first date lasted 6 hours, playing pool afterwards followed by a movie at my house. Things ramped up the rest of that summer, spending tons of time together and on the phone. As with most of my relationships, I fell fast and hard.
I was still in my mindset of "why wait till marriage, I'm already not a virgin." So we had sex early, less than a month after meeting. I actually had a few days where I thought I might be pregnant, but luckily I wasn't. I certainly would not have been ready for that. We finished the summer together and prepared to go back to our respective colleges. Jon came with me for part of soccer preseason, since he didn't have anything else going on. He lied to his parents and told them he was sleeping at a friend's who was there for football. We were really still kids. And I had no idea of the issues he was harboring inside of himself.
The biggest red flag of all that I missed that first year was Jon's depression. About halfway through the year, he started seeing a counselor. But there was never any actual, specific triggering event. He simply couldn't manage every day life as a college student. He declined medication and went through counseling for several months. I'm not sure if he ever truly got through whatever he deemed the underlying problems causing his depression. Looking back, I'm nearly positive it was a chemical imbalance that he never dealt with. This was a major red flag that I completely missed at that time and led to heartache for multiple people years down the road. It's important to be able to work through your problems by speaking to those around you, and despite a background in social work, it is clear that Jon never learned this skill.
