This is hard
The post divorce abuse is real
I haven't written about the abuse my kids and I have experienced at the hands of their father. It's generally not physical, but it's very real. He seems to have given up trying to physically control our son. Once a kid knows how to disarm any size person, he becomes difficult to control. The self defense classes he took to feel more confident against school bullies comes in handy even outside of school.
The abuse is verbal, emotional, and financial. Apparently asking a parent to contribute to car insurance is entitlement. There was no discussion about splitting the cost, just a flat out refusal to help at all. We should just ignore that before he had an affair with a coworker and left, the plan was for a car at 16. I'm hopeful that babysitting will help her pay for part of the insurance. I'm apparently a horrible person for asking for a consistent, predictable schedule that is agreed upon. The agreed upon plan written nearly 3 years ago was exactly that, and I am supposedly selfish for asking that it be followed.
I don't have the money to go back to court and fight when nobody in the court system cares about the kids. He can lie and say what everyone wants to hear, actions are apparently meaningless. So why spend thousands more to end up with nothing? The family court system is corrupt and appears blind to any abuse that stops short of physical.
I work 3 jobs. I do 99% of the parenting for a 12 and 14yo and 100% for my nearly 2yo. I don't have a personal life really. When would I have time for that? But boy am I tired. Not just physically, although I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I am emotionally tired of supporting 2 kids whose father seeks to tear them apart any chance he gets. Who doesn't see that by constantly choosing himself, he is hurting them. Or maybe he does see it and just doesn't care. I'm not sure which is worse. I have always thought that the goal of a parent is to provide their children with equal or more opportunity than he had as a child. In this case, I guess the goal is to not do anything more than the court mandates. Certainly wouldn't want to take less than 5 trips without your children while forfeiting parenting time in 1 year.
Yes, I am becoming a bit bitter because I am so tired. And because I don't know what to do to help my kids. I chose the wrong person to have kids with. I was in a bad place when I was 19 and again at 37. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything. But my heart breaks for them. The youngest at least won't have to suffer the back and forth. And I can tell her the abandonment had nothing to do with her because her father never even met her. And I pray often that God will seal up any hurt that is inevitable when she's old enough to see she has no father. But for the other two, I don't know how to help them navigate seeing a father that has a chosen a life away from them, while still trying to retain as much control of their lives as possible. 5.5 more years until we are all free from him. Maybe one day there can be reform in the court system where actions speak louder than words. I hope I live to see that, because the abuse started small 5yrs before the divorce began. But now the abuse is clear and abundant. Putting a name to it makes it a smidgen easier, but living with abuse for 8yrs really starts to take its toll.
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