Alone again

I long to feel connected. To have friends that I get together with on a regular basis. To not always be the one to initiate plans. I am so tired of being so alone, but I don't know what to do anymore. So I'm thinking that I will stop trying. 

I exchanged numbers with some moms. One from the neighborhood last fall. I've met her at the park, had her over for plydates. But she has never initiated anything. Another mom from the library. I asked about going sledding. It didn't work that time, but she's never reached out. 

I had someone over Thursday. We were supposed to work on the basement. My drill died but in the time we worked I was able to see the knowledge she claimed to have was lacking. I had let her take the lead, and I now I likely need to redo the section we did and thus wasted 4hrs of work time.

I'm tired, I'm wrung out. I have failed at building a village for my kids. And so I really just want to go somewhere else. I long for a simple life, a farm where I can grow food, raise chickens. A place where my youngest can grow feeling close to nature. The schedule here makes me crazy and exhausted. I have had this longing for so many years. I feel like I was born in the wrong decade. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

God, I need You. Show me my steps today. Show me what You have prepared for me. I need Your guidance. Nothing seems to be working and I am exhausted yet can't sleep. Show me how to help my kids. I am feeling so lost.