First Birthday

Dear Lilli,

Yesterday you turned 1! Happy birthday. This past year has gone by so quickly. I am so glad that God chose me to be your mother. You have a strong bond with both your brother and sister. We all love your snuggles and adore your hugs and kisses.

You are a master at climbing up things and love to push objects around the house instead of walking. We often call this "Lilli relocation services." You do a good job playing independently, as long as you know we are nearby. You are developing a love for books, which is so important for life.

I am enjoying watching you grow. I pray every day that God will heal your heart so you never need surgery. You are growing big and strong, so it is quite possible that your heart will be healed. Most importantly, I want you to grow up knowing God. He is the most amazing, loving father you will ever know. I pray that you will see this love through me, your siblings, and our church.

I am looking forward to this next year with you as you begin to walk and talk. We are sure to have many adventures and I'm looking forward to the time we have together. Never forget how much I love you and that I will always be here for you. 

Love, Mom

Need a Change

Hitting the wall lately. Work is going fine, finishing by lunch most days. I'm 60% of the way done with my classes for certification. I need to find time to go get fingerprinted again. I will be taking a day off every pay cycle until I'm ready for a longer vacation. So nothing much to complain about. 

My ex is still causing issues. He's trying to convince the kids to get the covid shot by instilling fear in them. He's lying and doing whatever he wants, whenever. I am waiting to hear about spring break as well as how track season is supposed to work. I should get the petition regarding moving soon. I'm praying that once he sees I'm not backing down he'll let me go. 

I need a break. I want to work out. I want to get the basement cleaned out. I need to get rid of the clothes the baby just outgrew. But I don't know what to do with her while I get work done around the house. Not to mention the need for repairs. I need to fix the drywall in the bathroom. I need to paint in there as well. I need to paint near the fireplace. I need to get the carpet replaced in all the bedrooms. I need to get the mice taken care of. But I don't know where to start or how to find time for any of this. Where does one turn when you never get a break?

The baby will be 1 in about 3 weeks. I haven't been away from her more than a church service. And I feel like I'm drowning. Covid makes it worse because I don't want to take her anywhere because I don't want to normalize masks. We both need the socialization but it doesn't exist as we need it. Hopefully once this covid wave recedes we can get back to a maskless existence. 

Tomorrow I have the day off work. I hope to take time to get something done. We will see how much the little one cooperates. I feel overwhelmed with what needs to be done and when that happens I can end up paralyzed and do nothing. At least the house is clean upstairs. Now to declutter the 4th bedroom, basement and garage. Hopefully I can give some stuff away. 

2022

Welcome to 2022. I survived another year and we all became better people. At least, I like to think so. With a new year beginning, I have a lot of goals/pland swirling in my head. This will be my last year of my 30s and soon my baby will turn 1.

Let's start with the easy to write goals.

1. Get off the screens. Everyone in my family, except L because she doesn't use anything yet. I want to be more intentional about getting off social media. I will use my computer for work and then put it away. I will use my phone to read my Bible when I can't get out of bed. Instead of mindless scrolling, I will read more books. As L is able to sleep alone, I can start a morning devotional time. Even if it means cracking open the window shade and reading while she sleeps in the bed.

2. I will spend more time intentionally with each child. L is the easiest. I will make time each day to read to her, sing songs with her, and help her to explore her world. As the weather allows, I will get her outside to explore, go for walks in the stroller or with her walking. And as the year progresses, she might be able to help in the kitchen a little. I will ask the older ones to choose something to do with me at least once a week. Go for a walk, bake something together, whatever they want. I want to intentionally connect with them individually. 

3. I will restart exercising. I feel so much better when I move regularly. Since it's winter, that a little more difficult. But I will start with a goal of 30 minutes, 3 times a week. This could be a walk, hopping on the rowing machine, or doing some strength training. But I need to make this a priority for myself and my kids. What a good example to set for them of making health a priority.

And I will start with these goals for January. I will reevaluate in February if I am ready to add more goals. There are other things I'd like to consider, but I want to set myself up for success. Hopefully by prioritizing focusing on God, making more intentional connections with my kids, and improving my health, I will make some positive strides this year. God blessed my family abundantly last year and I'm looking forward to what He does this year when I am even more intentional about spending time learning about Him.

The Destruction

Dear Exhusband, 

How is it that you are so blind? You continually blame me for everything. Yet until you had an affair and filed for divorce, the kids were holding it together. Somehow, them now falling apart lands at my feet.

I begged for years for affection. For you to put down the phone and engage. But never for more than 5-10 minutes at a time. You turned away from the family years ago, but I was able to hold the kids together, because they knew they would always have me.

But now, you try to push yourself into their life unnaturally. You seem to prefer to communicate via text. But they are still kids, they need face to face interactions for a relationship to develop. They need time to just be together well before they will tell you anything real. But you consistently reject their requests for time. If it's not on your terms, it doesn't happen at all. But they aren't toddlers.

Our daughter fell apart last fall. She is still struggling, wishing away the pain of your rejection along with the typical middle school drama. Do you realize the amount of time she spends with therapists right now? You are one, but yet you can't connect with her. Because you don't actually listen to her. Do you see all her medical issues? Her body is struggling because she's living in a constant state of fight or flight. I beg you, let her no be no, without requirement of justification. Don't we want her to learn that saying no is enough? It starts with giving her a voice at home. It's hard when I'm the only one showing her that she deserves respect just for being herself. 

Our son is falling apart more slowly. He can hold it together for a few days, maybe a week. But eventually, he becomes a puddle, often in my arms. He wishes he could run away, because he hurts so much. He wants a break from the hard parts of life, from dealing with your rejection as well as the rejection from the kids at school. But you refuse to give him any break. And you expect me to patch him up, and put him on the bus every morning. Some mornings, it just doesn't happen. I can often sense it coming, but I don't know how to stop the train.

I'm exhausted. Being a single mom is hard. But you know what is even harder? Being a single mom that has to fight against the father. You don't add anything positive to their lives right now. It's like you don't see these 2 amazing children with hearts of gold sitting in front of you. Watching our son interact with my baby, you can see the love just pouring out of him. If you sat and truly listened to either child, your heart would break, just as mine keeps doing. They are trying so hard and feel unheard and defeated. Yet they get up the next day and try again. 

When does it end? When do you stop torturing these kids? Will you ever stop putting yourself first? Or will you at least let us leave? Because I don't know how much longer we can all keep putting ourselves back together after interacting with you. They can only take so much and we are all running out of the strength to keep fighting. 

Need a Miracle

 I don't even know where to begin with the past week.  Maybe I should work backwards.  Yesterday a dog I had been watching for 9 days escaped my yard and was killed by a car.  Someone removed a barrier that keeps all dogs in my yard.  A barrel stacked with 2 large logs on top closes a gap between fences just big enough for a dog to fit through.  I can't see it from my house because bushes block the way.  Why would someone move the barrier?  Was it the neighbor behind me that may have done it in the past?  Or was this possibly someone else that is trying to cause difficulty in my life?  Well, they killed a sweet, lovable dog that was one of the most important things to the owner.  I couldn't say anything to them except I'm sorry.  Much of yesterday morning was spent in tears.

Maybe I won't work in any order whatsoever.  Last Sunday, my baby girl was sick.  She woke up at 1am burning up, her temp was 103.  This came out of nowhere.  He breathing was rapid, but that was it.  I spent the morning at the ER, as acetaminophen only brought the fever down to 100 and didn't change the breathing.  But of course her breathing was fine there.  We came home and battled her fever the rest of the day.  It reached a high of 104.8 around 3pm.  That was 4 hours after ibuprofen and 1 hour after acetaminophen.  I forced her into the bathtub and luckily she fussed but didn't scream.  We got the fever down to 101.  She slept and nursed nearly the entire day.  At least she was going through plenty of soaked diapers.  I gave her a final round of ibuprofen at around 2am Monday morning and she slept okay after that.  Monday her fever was up and down all day.  Still nursing and sleeping frequently.  Tuesday she was fever free, but still very lethargic, sleeping much of the day.  But by Wednesday, she woke up ready to play.  I treasured her smiles so much that day after being so scared for her.  Peculiarly, none of the nurses or doctors that listened to her heart at the hospital heard her murmur.  So there is a possibility her heart has healed itself.  I guess I will learn more at her 9 month check-up at the beginning of November.  Until then, I'm enjoying her smiles and development.

The final stressor was of course my exhusband.  He attempted to use my baby being sick as a way to say we should be wearing masks more.  Um, she didn't get covid.  In fact, she didn't have the flu or RSV.  Kids get sick.   It sucks, it's scary, but it happens.  We don't need to hide from germs.  Getting sick and recovering is actually how our immune systems are built up.  I now have some evidence of just how self-serving he is though.  On Wednesday, he demanded the kids wear a mask in his car.  They got upset, refused to it, and then acted out towards him.  Both kids are fully aware that their behavior was inappropriate.  In fact, I fully believe they knew at the time that their behavior was wrong, but did it anyway.  Because after begin treated poorly for so long, they want to try to hurt him back.  After this incident, I of course have received multiple emails delineating what they did.  He skipped where they asked him somewhat nicely to leave.  He ignored them when they demanded he leave them alone.  But according to him, they made all the mistakes that night.

Luckily, the kids have some solid counselors.  So now we wait for the counselors to has things out and show me the way forward.

Have to go, the baby is waking up for a nearly 2 hour nap in her crib.  

Reaching my limit

Something has got to give. I am at my breaking point. Last Friday I was asked to pick my son up from school. He was having an anxiety attack and mentioned covid symptoms. My ex of course tried to make it into a fight. Because I was focused on tasks in front of me - picking J up, talking to the school nurse, continuing with work, taking care of my baby, getting J to urgent care for a covid test - I didn't respond to his email asking for more details for about 2 hours. Because of the delay, he blew up my phone. This was completely unacceptable. He never once followed up to see how James was doing after I sent the test results. 

Thankfully, I didn't hear from him until Wednesday. But he has decided J can't attend his martial arts classes. Due to his tone when speaking to the owner, the owner hung up on him. The owner called me to discuss options to keep J in the program because he loves it. He ended our call requesting that my ex not enter the facility going forward. Yet somehow my ex firmly believes he has done nothing wrong. 

Ex was not here to talk to or take J to class by 4:35pm, so I took him. This turned into another situation where ex decided it was acceptable to blow up my phone - 2 texts, 3 calls and 2 voice mails - 0 emails. I had the volume off and was getting everyone into my car and then driving so wasn't paying attention to my phone. When I got home I let him know that the harassing communication needed to stop or I would block his number. This response was apparently not appreciated. 

I am just sick of being taken advantage of. He thinks he can do whatever he wants, show up when it's convenient for him and I have to go along with it. That's just not how it's going to be.

I let ex know that we will consider a different activity when he takes the time to find something that fits our schedule and budget. As anticipated, he refuses to put forth any effort. So we continue forward with our plan until he proposes something we could consider. 

The latest thing is requiring both children to wear a mask in his car. When we will he stop using covid as a way to get out of being a parent? I get it, he's terrified of getting sick. But he's vaccinated, so why is he still terrified? I will not allow his fear to run our lives. C refused to even speak to him when he came today.

I'm still hoping he forgets about the petition to move. Less than 2 weeks remains. I am so tired and I need to be done. I am ready to move forward with my life. 

No Beds

I felt a little refreshed today. The big kids went with their dad. The baby napped, staying asleep for about a half hour after I got up. I napped with her first as well. I was able to get the house picked up and sit and relax for a few minutes. 

I have 2 more dog sitting requests. I meet them tomorrow, so we will see how that goes. Could be some good extra money for next month. Just not sure if it will work long term. 

The kids came home, arriving 8 minutes after the 1hr window I had been given. The utter lack of respect for anyone else is amazing. He was even late to take our daughter to the doctor this morning. That's not the most disappointing part. This was their first time at the house he's now living in with his girlfriend. Nevermind that he's condoning living with someone he isn't even engaged to. The kids didn't see beds there for them. They both said they didn't care. But I could tell from their faces that it hurt. And so, I hope he forgets to respond my petition to move. We are less than a month away from the deadline. 

God, our lives are in your hands. Lead us into the future that you have planned. Heal our hearts and make us whole again, as only You can do. I trust in You.