Asking Questions

Sometimes I get tired of asking questions on behalf of my kids. This week I've had to ask many again. I've been blessed with some positive responses at least.

Why did the gymnastics change the class level without informing us? 20 minutes conversation with the gym owner and my 13yo now has a spot on Xcel silver and gets to do what she was hoping for this school year.

How is my daughter doing in counseling? I question often in my head if I created the terrible relationship between my kids and their father. Because when you get told that constantly (by him), you start to wonder if it's true. But I spoke to her counselor today for an hour. I asked how I can help my daughter move forward. I specifically asked if there was anything I'm doing that's a problem. I was told to just keep listening and affirming. I was reassured that I am doing what is necessary. The counselor agreed that they will work on how my daughter can set boundaries so her father's actions don't impact her self worth so much. Because it's hard to repeatedly be told through actions that you don't matter. And it's hard to be told often that your memory of events is wrong. 

Tomorrow I will ask about math placement for my son. What class he's in just doesn't make sense. And quite frankly, the school is asking for behavior problems with the placement. But maybe there's something I'm missing? 

But for once in countless years I would like things to just run smoothly. I'm tired of calling out the careless mistakes of others that negatively impact my kids. Why can't people do their jobs properly the first time? At least with my youngest I won't have to ask questions about school until about high school. I don't think I'm better than other people, I just recognize that I am often the only one that cares about the outcome for my kids and is willing to listen to what is going on inside of them. For now, I'm just so very weary in this role. God, take control while rest a bit.

Moving Forward

Today felt like a marathon of a day. It didn't help that the baby was up at 6:15am and didn't nap much. By 7:30 the dog I'm watching for the week was dropped off. He's a sweetie pie and could actually be really good for my son's anxiety as he returns to school. Our dog will only sleep in my room, so having another dog that sleeps with my son could be good. We will see how it plays out this week.

I got my work done and we took the dogs for a walk. Everyone did well and it was good to get out before the weather got hot. My son helped me install a Ring doorbell. The added security for dog sitting and tutoring will be nice. I will also have access to recordings so my ex can stop gaslighting the kids. We will see if I ever have reason to use it for that. But it's nice to know who is at the door if I'm trapped on the couch with the baby.

I took the kids to supply drop off. They both saw some friends. My son helped other kids figure out their locks. He felt good being one to show others what to do. Hopefully this will help his anxiety with school a little. This morning he was already complaining of a stomachache, so I know tomorrow will be bad. Maybe I will get lucky. We brought the neighbors home since they were waiting for their mom. I enjoy being able to help others out, especially considering how much they have helped me. I always feel bad that I don't have more to offer.

I got to tutor today. I miss building those relationships with students. I am going to start working with this girl weekly via zoom. I will make some extra money and enjoy it, win all around. The mother is also divorced so there's a possibility of a friendship there. God works in unknown ways. This was the first tutor request I have responded to in months. There's even a possible friend for my daughter, as the student is an 8th grader that will go to the same high school next year.

We finished the day with ninjas and gymnastics. My daughter was super upset with how gymnastics went. Add another thing to call about tomorrow. They changed the level for the class after I signed up and I have proof of that. Very frustrating. 

And now I try to settle my brain and prepare for tomorrow morning. If I can make it to 8:15, the rest of the day should be easy. Time to get the baby on more of a schedule. Should be good for all. So I lay my worries in the hands of God. Only He knows the plan. Lord, protect my household and heal my baby's heart. Watch over us tonight as we sleep. 

Can't sleep

The last few days have been tough. My oldest was sick Saturday. Basically she had exactly what I did. At least we knew what to expect. Her tolerance for discomfort is lower though. I wonder if this was a cold, the flu, or covid. We will never know for sure. I also found red bumps all over my baby.. no idea why,, although they are going away quickly..  Sunday we spent at home so she could fully recover. 

Monday was a long day. I worked in the morning. It was nice to be supported by my boss in saying no to a request to basically provide notes for a student. She should be expected to fill in the blanks on the guided notes! I also received notice via email from my ex that he is unavailable to see the kids on Wednesday. Why did he wait until Monday to inform? Such an attempt to mess with scheduling to be sure I can never plan anything in my own life. Bible study was canceled anyway, so it ends up not mattering. Just another thing to add to the list of why we should be allowed to move.  As we were leaving for counseling for the oldest, I answered a call that turned out to be a tutoring opportunity. So God continues to provide ways for me to make ends meet. 

On the way home from counseling, the baby threw up. I didn't even know until we got home because she wasn't crying. I don't know what's wrong but she is having trouble sleeping. I may need to take her in if she is still struggling Wednesday. I worry it is somehow related to her heart. I have cut dairy out of my diet again to see if that is related, but it's already been a few days. I keep praying she is okay.

When we got home, my son was in a terrible mood. He had gotten into a disagreement with his cousin on the computer. But his anxiety is already through the roof with school starting. So he became almost violent when I cut the internet. For the first time in a long time I was a little afraid of him hurting someone, particularly the baby. But eventually he went into the basement to burn off his anger. By not pushing him, he was able to gain control of himself and had a great end to the night at class, had dinner and then did a bonfire. 

Today we do supply drop off for school. It will be interesting to see what his anxiety level looks like before and after. He still asks to homeschool on a daily basis. I'm just praying he calms a bit once the year gets going. It's probably good that he doesn't have to see his father on the first day of school. 

Praying for my kids, their teachers, and their classmates as we head into this new school year. May everyone stay healthy and learn to get along with each other. 

I  am going to try to sleep more now, because today is going to be an incredibly long day. 

Rollercoaster emotions

I woke up today feeling a little overwhelmed. Yesterday I got my first quote to clean up my yard. They want 3k! I have a huge yard, but there is no way I can afford that. I need to clean up the yard to sell the house. And I'm still praying and hoping to sell this fall. I have yet to receive a response to my formal petition for relocation. September 24th will be 60 days.

So as I get going with my day, I check on my bank account. I get paid today and wasn't sure if my bonus would be there as well. No bonus and looks like the attempt I made to start a Roth to save for college for the kids didn't work. But the bad thing I stumbled upon was my escrow analysis. My mortgage is going up. I can find 1250 and it will only go up by $30 or it goes up by $125. I truly can't afford to stay here. But legally, I can't move.

I was in tears as I stared at the computer, then the baby started crying. I just wanted to run away from everything. I am just done. I need to catch a break somewhere. 

As always, I pushed through my morning. I ate breakfast sitting on the living room floor so the baby could play. I got my work emails done, trying to figure out how to get everything done. Once I finished work, I decided to try something new. I took the baby outside, grabbed a blanket and some toys and plopped her down in the shade. She could see me but was far enough away to not get hit hy debris. I trimmed the bushes. Then I started in the weeding. I trimmed a tree so I will stop hitting the branches with my car. And now I have a pile of branches to haul to our compost pile. I feel marginally better. I am slightly less embarrassed by my yard. And I have some hope to continue making progress. Because if I can get the yardwork done in the mornings, I might be able to tackle the inside stuff during nap time.

I still need to move but I might not need to spend a ton to get the house in order. I remind myself that God is in control. He will make a way even though I see no way.

Bend but don't break

 Last night I laying bed sweating, just waiting for my 6 month old to fall asleep. She's got 4 teeth about to break through so sleep is difficult. I had been feeling unwell most of the day, but it was just a cold. My temperature though was 99.7.  I normally run 97.6, so this was not good. I got up and we rocked in her glider for a while. She was finally ready for bed, so we snuggled up and she drifted off. 

I was at my breaking point yesterday. I even texted a friend, telling him overwhelmed I am. I almost reached out to my small group to ask for prayer, but I feel like a burden to them. It seems like I always have a new prayer request. I know deep down they don't feel that way, but I can't shake the thought. Little did I know that God was working behind the scenes.

I fell asleep shortly after my little one. It was probably only 8:30. My middle child came in at 9 and I woke up. I felt like I had slept several hours, although I still was sick. He laid with me for a while and then decided to try sleeping in his own room. I cleaned his room while he was at camp last week, so now it's a more peaceful place. I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly. My baby only woke twice to nurse last night, we both fell back to sleep quickly and I didn't wake up fully until 7 this morning. I woke up physically feeling so much better. I have some lingering congestion, but I'm now confident this is just a cold and think tomorrow it may be gone. 

There was more that God was doing though. I woke up this morning to my first dog boarding request. It's for next week! I have plenty of space to watch dogs. And working from home, I have the availability. The woman brought her dog over and it's a good match. I will make enough money to buy some new dog things that can help entice future clients and my dog will enjoy as well. I feel less like I'm drowning financially because God is making a way. I'm putting myself out there, offering my time and talents as I can and He is making a way.

My baby refused to nap this morning. I thought it was going to be another long day. But at 1 I laid down with her and she fell asleep easily. I raced to start getting things done. I cleaned up the kitchen and folded the laundry. She was still asleep, so I caught up with work. She was still asleep, so I headed into the basement. It's been a mess for a long time. I could now use the weight bench and rowing machine. If I get another 2 or 3 days like today, I may feel like the basement is clean. Next up would be tackling clearing out the yard. With my 2 big kids heading back to school in 1 week, I could get the yard done with several good nap days.

And then I will just have maintenance and projects I may hire out for remaining. But that depends on finances. I have the ability to do everything on the list. But I've never done drywall and I'm not sure about painting with the baby around. We will see where God leads in these next weeks because clearly He has a plan, even when I'm getting the sleep my body needs to heal from illness.

Unknown Dizziness

 After getting married, buying a house, and having a baby, disaster seemed to strike again.  One day as I sat in the basement playing with my 6 month old, the room started to rock.  I felt like I was on a boat, but I was sitting on the floor.  I have written more extensively on this journey on another blog, but I regret to report that this has never fully gone away.  I have had so many tests run and tried so many different things, but nothing has worked.  I know some things that make it worse - mainly being overly tired or doing exercises with my head below my waist.  But I right now I am suffering nearly daily from dizziness that is starting to become debilitating.  I am praying that once the baby I am carrying is born, the dizziness will at least subside some so I can regain concentration and stability.

Update:  My precious baby girl was born 3 weeks ago. I am happy to report that with ample rest, despite broken sleep, the dizziness is back to being manageable and intermittent.

Losing Mom

I graduated from Augustana College at Thanksgiving of 2003 and moved home to attend graduate school at DePaul University to obtain my MEd and secondary teaching certificate.  All seemed to be generally moving along smoothly.  Jon had proposed Oct 17, 2013 and I was spending time saving money by working as a substitute teacher.  I had the opportunity to coach soccer in the spring of 2005 at Loyola Academy and landed my first job for the following fall at Warren in Gurnee.  I was grateful to be asked to be part of a program partnering with IMSA and began work a week early to participate in some workshops.  Because of this, I missed the yearly family vacation to Maui.  As it turned out, that vacation was a major turning point for everyone in our family.

While on that vacation, my father informed my mother that he no longer wanted to be married.  They had struggled previously, but had made things work when we was diagnosed with breast cancer.  This time, the timing couldn't have been worse.  When they came home, my dad moved out somewhat quickly.  I found myself torn between my parents, not wanting to choose sides or make either one upset.  I lived with my mom and found time to spend with my dad away from the house.

The worst news was yet to come, as my mom spiraled into depression.  She began to have a lot of physical pain, but none of use imagined the true extent of why.  After she continued to push her doctor to determine the source of the pain, some sort of scan was completed.  I don't remember what it was at this time.  But the scan revealed cancer.  And as more tests were completed, we were all informed that the cancer was everywhere - lungs, bones, and brain.  She tried some radiation, but with the extent of the cancer, nothing could be done.  I will forever remember sitting by her bedside at the hospital working on my grading and lesson planning as a first year teacher.  Eventually, she was moved to hospice care at home.  They wouldn't give her an IV morphine drip at home, so we attempted to give her morphine orally.  I am haunted to this day by her screaming when we tried to give it to her.  I was still living in the house with her, so I traded caring for my mom with my siblings that came and went as their obligations to jobs and family allowed.  

The end came pretty quickly.    We had been trying to convince her to let us move her to inpatient hospice because they could keep her more comfortable and properly care for her.  But she kept insisting she would be getting up shortly and returning to normal life.  Ruth Johnson came over on a Sunday afternoon to speak with my mom.  She is a nurse and something that has a deep faith.  I'll never know what Ruth said to my mom, but afterwards she had found a new peace and agreed to move to inpatient.  A hospital came and transported here there.  We began to call everyone home because they let us know that my mom likely had less than 48 hours remaining.  I called into work and let them know I would be taking Monday off.

Monday was a very long day, but all of my siblings were able to make it in and we all gathered by her bedside.  My grandfather did not come in, he couldn't bare the idea of burying his only daughter.  My mom seemingly waited to take her last breath until Jon had returned to be with me.  I thought I understood why, but at this point in life I don't totally understand.  I lost my mom at 10pm on October 17, 2005.  She has missed so much of my life, and I wish often that I could sit and talk with her or get a hug from her.  I know she would be so proud of all 13 (soon to be 14) grandchildren.