Silence

It's been 4 weeks since I have heard from my exhusband.  No contact for our son's 13th birthday, not even a card in the mail. Both kids have blocked him from electronic communication. It seems this is what he wants. I will never understand how a person can father a child and not desire to be an inactive, engaged participant in their life.

My 13yo has been spending tons of time with his small group leader from church. He seems to be struggling with a few things right now and I'm hoping that this relationship will provide him with a positive male role model and someone he can talk to and ask questions he thinks I can't answer.

My 15yo is still struggling. She generally doesn't want to be around the family. She is trying to develop an identity that goes against our faith, but won't admit that it does. When I ask clarifying questions, because I truly don't understand, she gets offended because she can't answer them. I think she's told so many lies over the years that she has lost sight of the truth and I have no idea how to help her back to reality.

How do you deal with a compulsive liar? Because both kids seem to have developed this trait from their father and it's baffling to me. I don't understand how a person can see reality and then just make up something else that happened. I don't understand how a person can be okay with constantly lying. Sometimes it's about little things - I didn't eat that, or that's not mine. But then there are bigger things, like accusing other people of harming someone. Maybe they are just exaggerations and as kids they don't fully consider the ramifications of their accusations. But they also watched their father do it repeatedly with no consequences. 

And so I hope this silence remains. I hope it's the beginning of a chance for me to reprogram the kids to a more healthy way of life. The stress level here has certainly decreased, as we're not planning around someone else's random schedule. It's certainly more expensive, but as always, God is providing. I should get the child support modification result soon. I trust that God has his hand in being sure that we will have what we need. We are all feeling a little more stable these days and it is nice. I don't know what the future holds, but I pray daily for healing of our hearts and protection for my youngest as she grows without a father at all. I still don't know how I will respond when she asks where her father is. God will provide though, I'm interested to see His solution.

Another Storm, human created

This time it started with an email. Wild accusations from my ex husband about our son. Unbelievable accusations, so much so that those few I shared the email with were laughing a bit. But wow has it caused a turn of events.

How does one accuse their own son of such things? I can't even bring myself to write what they were. But on Easter Sunday, as he walked up to my house, he sent an email with a list of allegations. Except, even the timing of sending that email doesn't make sense. The accusations were regarding the day before, and the alleged behavior was egregious. Yet, he dropped our son off at 6pm Saturday and didn't bother to say anything until 2:48pm Sunday. Not to mention, I didn't read the email until around 6pm Sunday. This is despite sending text messages when he got a flat tire Saturday. But despite what the email alleged, the visit wasn't cut short either. In fact, it was longer than expected, even though he could have brought him home instead of keeping our son until the tow truck arrived.

The real storm was yet to come after that email. The email ended with a demand for my response, via email. Since the beginning of February, except for the emergency texts about the flat tire, I have directed my ex to return to the court ordered app for communication. So this was an attempt at stepping over this boundary again. As usual, I screenshot the email and responded within the app. This apparently didn't make him happy, so he or his wife called dcfs. And that has backfired on him.

When dcfs showed up and I came home to talk to them, I was boldly honest. I shared the email. I also shared the refusal to follow the court order for communication and for parenting time. They took it all in, while telling me that I needed to keep my son separated from my girls. Because as a single mom, that's easy. They actually sympathized a little and said we could get the process going quickly. I expressed my frustration over their non-appearance when our daughter made allegations against her father last fall. And the response was that this is her opportunity to speak.

So on Tuesday I was informed that my 2yo would be left alone. How do you interview a mostly nonverbal, very shy with strangers child? I was getting ready to object and ask they speak with the various adults in her life, most of whom are mandated reporters. They would all say they have seen no changes in behavior, that she loves her brother and exhibits no fear of him. Despite her speech delay, which seems partly physical, she is an amazingly confident, happy toddler. So I was glad to hear they would leave her alone. And we set up the interview for my oldest. The fear remained as I was told that the issue with my son was given to another town and how to proceed was their choice.

In the mean time, I reached out to some adults in my son's life. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't missing something as mom. But the small group leader was shocked and said he hadn't seen anything remotely close. And they just went through a series on sexual design from God. And the dean at the school was shocked and shared she has never been uncomfortable with him and found the situation unbelievable as a relayed the accusations. Finally I spoke with my son's therapist. He never even got around to addressing my son in particular, focusing on the inconsistencies in the email and how what was written made no sense given the human condition. He agreed to see him next week just to check in. I felt better after these conversations, knowing my mother instincts are fully intact.

So Wednesday I took my oldest in for her interview. She had told me that she would share her memory that was unearthed last fall if asked a general question about inappropriate touch. And so, she did share when asked. She also convinced the officer that she is a responsible, smart girl that is wise beyond her years. And so, her memory is being passed on to the town we lived in when she was 5 or 6. I was also informed that nothing is being pursued with my son. They want to check in with him to see if he's experienced anything similar to my daughter. But he is no longer at risk for being in trouble. Makes a mother's heart relax a bit.

I don't really know what happens next. There are so many unknowns it's hard to lost them all. But we are in God's hands. He is controlling all of this and will provide as He always has. I trust in Him. At the moment, I am waiting on the paperwork from the seargent and to find out if a restraining order needs to be pursued. That depends on whether my exhusband will comply with staying away during the investigation. As I never imagined he would accuse our son as he has, I truly don't know how he will respond. So we wait and just try to rest in knowing that we are in the hands of a loving, protective God.

Alone again

I long to feel connected. To have friends that I get together with on a regular basis. To not always be the one to initiate plans. I am so tired of being so alone, but I don't know what to do anymore. So I'm thinking that I will stop trying. 

I exchanged numbers with some moms. One from the neighborhood last fall. I've met her at the park, had her over for plydates. But she has never initiated anything. Another mom from the library. I asked about going sledding. It didn't work that time, but she's never reached out. 

I had someone over Thursday. We were supposed to work on the basement. My drill died but in the time we worked I was able to see the knowledge she claimed to have was lacking. I had let her take the lead, and I now I likely need to redo the section we did and thus wasted 4hrs of work time.

I'm tired, I'm wrung out. I have failed at building a village for my kids. And so I really just want to go somewhere else. I long for a simple life, a farm where I can grow food, raise chickens. A place where my youngest can grow feeling close to nature. The schedule here makes me crazy and exhausted. I have had this longing for so many years. I feel like I was born in the wrong decade. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

God, I need You. Show me my steps today. Show me what You have prepared for me. I need Your guidance. Nothing seems to be working and I am exhausted yet can't sleep. Show me how to help my kids. I am feeling so lost.

Disaster, again

On Wed, February 22, a storm rolled in. It started as rain, but the temperature dropped and a coating of ice covered the trees. About 6:30, our power went out. The generator didn't turn on. I didn't think too much of it, we folded laundry by candlelight and went to bed. It was a stressful night as I worried about my phone dying before we heard about school. Luckily I could borrow a charger from my oldest. School was canceled because so many were without power.

I decided to call a locksmith because I couldn't get into the generator. As we waited for him, I called a company for the generator. They, by a miracle, arrived first and quickly opened the generator. I was able to cancel the locksmith and found out I had the correct key all along! Push down on the corner  then the key will work. 

When I went into the basement to find the number for the generator company, things quickly went from manageable to bad. The basement was filled with 2-3" of water. I asked my older 2 to pull everything they could out of the basement. We were able to save everything of value.

The generator was fixed, and shortly thereafter power was restored from the grid. But the ejector pump was overloaded by the amount of water and failed. So while we had gone out to let the water recede and the house warm up, the water just sat. I discovered the flipped breaker when we returned and then called a water restoration company to help. He came out and helped me troubleshoot to get the sump pump pushing the water out. It was mostly gone by 6:30. But the damage had been done, the drywall was soaked.

The ejector pump was fixed Friday morning and it pushed out the remaining water. That night, the extraction began. It's been a process, but now everything has been removed and the fans should come out today. I am waiting on the insurance company to find out what they will cover. And I look forward to the day that I can move our things back into the basement instead of living in chaos.

Only God is sustaining me through this. He sent 4 angels to help us move all our stuff into the garage on Sunday. I know He has a plan with all of this, so I'm just waiting to see what that is. I have been overwhelmed at times and I'm exhausted. But the people that God has placed to help have been amazing. I am looking forward to getting to the other side of yet another first time experience. My kids are going to be able to survive anything as adults after having been through 2 home disasters. Thank you for providing all that we need, God. And thank you for holding me in your hands.

Just Struggling

I don't know what's going on lately. I suspect the lack of exercise and outdoor time is messing with my brain and body. It seems this time of year is always tough for me. I just feel very stuck. I don't like living here but I can't go anywhere until my middle child is 18. Then I hope to take my youngest on some adventures. But that's 5.5 years away. 

So how do I become content with where I'm at now? I am just struggling. How do I form connection while working 3 jobs and raising 3 kids? Whenever I think about letting tutoring fade out, another person seems to contact me and I have trouble saying no to a student that is struggling. I feel like I am not giving Lilli enough attention. But I don't know how to fun a balance. I feel torn about so much.

I want to start working out again because I don't like my body, but I'm not sure how/when to do it. I feel like I'm constantly working, being with my kids, or cleaning. Am I just making excuses, or am I really that busy? I don't even know anymore. I do know that something needs to change before I burn out. 

God, please help. Show me the way forward from here,  because I'm really struggling. 

Tuesday

Dear God, 

I don't understand my life. I have so many desires unfulfilled and I don't know which are from You. Help me to know what direction to go. 

I have wanted a large family forever. Clearly that is not to be the case unless through adoption. And I don't have space in the house nor capacity for more kids at this point. But why is it still in my heart?

I seem to be constantly worried about finances. Will I make enough to do what we want? You have shown me time and again that You will provide, and provide abundantly. I waiver now with how much I should be working. It seems tutoring clients abound. But I don't want my kids to feel abandoned. Help me to know when to stop, when to say no. I know that you have given me a great talent for teaching math and physics and I feel bad telling kids no. Show me how to find balance. 

I long for more connections. I don't know how to make them. I've tried since moving, but am always the one sending invites. What do I need to do to find reciprocal friendship? Is there something I am doing wrong? Show me how to fid authentic community at this stage of my life. I would love to find a new partner, but at this point I just want people to see on a regular basis. I don't know how to find that. We've lived here over 6 months and basically made 0 progress. 

I know You have a plan for my older kids. But as we approach 3yrs after the divorce, things are just hard. It's not the money, it's the verbal abuse via email and refusal to respect any boundaries. Court seems useless, so what do I do? Show me the way so we can have freedom. I don't see the way forward that is best for the kids. Show me.

I'm tired, so very tired. I ask that you give me the energy I need to fulfill the purpose You have set forth. I need clear vision to know the next steps. Right now I just feel exhausted and like I'm stumbling through the dark. Hold me and guide me forward, Lord.

Check on the Strong Ones

This is 40

This is hard

The post divorce abuse is real

I haven't written about the abuse my kids and I have experienced at the hands of their father. It's generally not physical, but it's very real. He seems to have given up trying to physically control our son. Once a kid knows how to disarm any size person, he becomes difficult to control. The self defense classes he took to feel more confident against school bullies comes in handy even outside of school. 

The abuse is verbal, emotional, and financial. Apparently asking a parent to contribute to car insurance is entitlement. There was no discussion about splitting the cost, just a flat out refusal to help at all. We should just ignore that before he had an affair with a coworker and left, the plan was for a car at 16. I'm hopeful that babysitting will help her pay for part of the insurance. I'm apparently a horrible person for asking for a consistent, predictable schedule that is agreed upon. The agreed upon plan written nearly 3 years ago was exactly that, and I am supposedly selfish for asking that it be followed. 

I don't have the money to go back to court and fight when nobody in the court system cares about the kids. He can lie and say what everyone wants to hear, actions are apparently meaningless. So why spend thousands more to end up with nothing? The family court system is corrupt and appears blind to any abuse that stops short of physical. 

I work 3 jobs. I do 99% of the parenting for a 12 and 14yo and 100% for my nearly 2yo. I don't have a personal life really. When would I have time for that? But boy am I tired. Not just physically, although I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I am emotionally tired of supporting 2 kids whose father seeks to tear them apart any chance he gets. Who doesn't see that by constantly choosing himself, he is hurting them. Or maybe he does see it and just doesn't care. I'm not sure which is worse. I have always thought that the goal of a parent is to provide their children with equal or more opportunity than he had as a child. In this case, I guess the goal is to not do anything more than the court mandates. Certainly wouldn't want to take less than 5 trips without your children while forfeiting parenting time in 1 year. 

Yes, I am becoming a bit bitter because I am so tired. And because I don't know what to do to help my kids. I chose the wrong person to have kids with. I was in a bad place when I was 19 and again at 37. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything. But my heart breaks for them. The youngest at least won't have to suffer the back and forth. And I can tell her the abandonment had nothing to do with her because her father never even met her. And I pray often that God will seal up any hurt that is inevitable when she's old enough to see she has no father. But for the other two, I don't know how to help them navigate seeing a father that has a chosen a life away from them, while still trying to retain as much control of their lives as possible. 5.5 more years until we are all free from him. Maybe one day there can be reform in the court system where actions speak louder than words. I hope I live to see that, because the abuse started small 5yrs before the divorce began. But now the abuse is clear and abundant. Putting a name to it makes it a smidgen easier, but living with abuse for 8yrs really starts to take its toll.